ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

Kiko left for Atlanta today. While checking his luggages if he’s got all what he needed, we were singing this. I was a bit teary and really sad. While I was on my way to his place, Skad texted me - “Wer u na?, Lungkot ako, di na ako mapakali.” I of course understand what he’s feeling. Ako na bestfriend sobrang lungkot na eh siya pa.

All my bags are packed
Im ready to go
Im standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its early morn
The taxis waitin
Hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
but I tell you baby, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, Ill bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
And close your eyes
Ill be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave you alone
About the times, I wont have to say

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

But, Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

I can’t still believe until now na umalis na siya. After sending him to the airport, I and Skad were just quiet. When I got back to the office, that was when it hit me. I really cried in the comfort room, still teary eyed when I talked to Abhi. I think she felt it that was why she checked on me. Haaayyy.. life.

We’ll be missing you Kiko. Ingat ka palagi.

This is silly I know but forgive me. I still have the right to be one at times right? I drank my last can of Diet Coke with Lime [why with lime? that's another story] today. I am attempting to give up my beloved Diet Coke because of three reasons.

1) Caffeine.

2) Artificial sweeteners.

2) A friend made me do it.

My friend Kiko has been a great influence to me also. He’s into parties but not into drinking. He loves food but doesn’t eat too much. I admire his drive over things. Too bad he’s leaving tomorrow. Hatid ko siya sa airport later so half shift ako now. My reading lately has also led me to believe that caffeine leads to a surge in insulin and thus an increased appetite. I don’t like coffee but I have grown pretty dependent on the caffeine in Diet Coke. In fact, if I don’t get my daily fix of noon-time caffeine, I get a headache. Not a good sign, right? So I am gently attempting to back away from the Diet Coke. Nothing legalistic– I’ll probably have Diet Coke at the movies, still–but I’m not going to buy it by the case anymore.

Artificial sweeteners are less of a concern for me. I don’t believe that I am affected by them although I am aware of the research and articles we could immediately produce [thank you, Google] to show how sweeteners might kill us before our time. I’m more scared of diabetes and heart disease than I am of artificial sweeteners. I guess it’s a case of picking your poison. Still. There is some indication that artificial sweeteners might cause a craving for sugar and maybe even cause an insulin reaction.

I have very few vices, aside from eating as much as I can while listening to my mp3s at volume 8. That and the Diet Coke and seeing too many movies in the theater even though it would be so much cheaper to see them on DVD at home. It’s all about balance and making choices with full awareness.

So, I’m giving up Diet Coke with Lime. If I’m kind of grumpy tomorrow, you’ll know why. [I reserve the right to resume my Diet Coke addiction in the future. Just because I can.]

So on March 2 [that's my birthday], no coke din. Hahaha… I’ll try.

I was reading David Archuleta earlier when someone very familiar caught my attention. I’ll let you read it then.

[This is just a part of the blog entry] “P.S. Before I go I wanted to mention one thing real quick. I was hanging out at my house when my parents called me in to watch a story on Oprah about this girl named Charice. I had seen her on youtube before and she was at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, but it was amazing to hear her story and her voice! She seriously has one of the best voices I’ve heard in a long time, and I had chills the entire time I was watching about her life. So instead of a song for the day I think you should check her out! It’s more like a person for the day haha. She was really inspiring and for those of you who haven’t heard her yet I think you’re in for a real treat! She sang My Heart Will Go On during her appearance on Oprah, and it’s amazing to see how much passion she has for what she does! I also loved how she talked about how important her mom was to her. I hope you guys enjoy!”

So there!

Anyway she has been into different appearances already. Obama’s Pre-Inaugural Ball was the latest. Check these videos.

Good Morning America

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Carousel of Hope

Obam’s Pre-Inauguration Ball

Free as a bird, welcome to my fairy land.

As I prepare to be home today, finishing all my work responsibilities, slouching on my seat, and my mp3 turned up, I noticed that my devilish side has been particularly prominent the last few weeks. I just can’t shake it. I really had wanted to bank such behavior for weekend exploits, but I am simply unable to stop it. I don’t know it I’m being rebellious because H has been bugging me again although I would admit I’m enjoying the attention. I also realized that no matter how well you think you’ve got the game figured out, someone’s bound to come along and rewrite the rules on you — a conversation that’s been repeated as of late. But then again, all’s fair in lust and war, right? So, some people practice deception because they like the attention. But be careful: guile is a double edged sword and neither edge is nice. As for me, I too frequently have been thrust into a single role by boys, and the attractive distractor one is beginning to bore me. Actually, I’ve never met a person who’s allowed me to be everything I am with him… too bad, because that would be quite an adventure. I’m one of those spirits that doesn’t like things to get boring. So…maybe I’ll just put that naughty streak to work and stir things up a bit. Oh, I do love a good intrigue [in every meaning of this fabulous word].

Music that fits my mood: “Touch My Body” by Hot ‘n Cold; “Hot ‘n Cold” by Katy Perry.

And oh, have you seen the new “Touch My Body” video? Trust me it’s SUPERB!

I invited a friend last Sunday to join me for a Sunday Service. I fetched him and while on our way to the church, he told me that he was about to send me an SMS - to also invite me to come with him but at the same time wishing that I decline the invitation or that I won’t text back. I then asked him “ayaw mo ba talaga magsimba?” he just laughed.

A lot of us go to church. But why do we go to church? What is the purpose? Some people go to church their whole lives, but what have they gained? Some people go to a different church every Sunday, finding it hard to settle down. Many complained, “I don’t feel like I’m being fed”, or, “I just don’t feel encouraged”, or maybe even, “I just don’t fit in there”.

What is church for? What is supposed to be happening when we walk through those doors on Sunday? Are we supposed to get “fed”? Are we supposed to feel “encouraged”? Should we “fit in”?

Personally, since I spent my Kindergarten to my High School years in Baste and lived with my Uncle [a Pastor] when I was in college, I have understood what Church-ing really means.

First off, what is the church? What is a basic definition that we can work off of? If you look up the word in a dictionary, it says something about a building and that it can refer to the whole body of believers if it is capitalized.

But what does the Bible say? In Colossians 1:18 along with verse 24 it states that the church is the body of Christ. And who is the body of Christ? “Now you are Christ’s body, and each of you is a member of it” [1 Corinthians 12:27]. Who? “…those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, and called to be saints, with all those in every place who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours” [1 Corinthians 1:2].

So the church is the body of Christ, but what does that mean? It means, that we who are believers are Christ’s, we belong to His body. It is not that we are literally His body, but rather the words express a part of the greater reality. We are Christ’s body, and that is important - for it tells us who the Church belongs to - we are Christ’s. Not just any body, but Christ’s body. The focus is not on our independence, or even our dependence on each other, but on our dependence on Christ. Apart from Christ there is no Church, we are “members of Christ” [1 Corinthians 6:15], we are members of the body of Christ. Christ exists without us, but we gain our life from Him. These truths are confirmed in Scripture as we read that God has given Jesus, “to the church as head over all things” [Ephesians 1:22]. Christ is the head and is the One from whom “the whole body, supported and knit together through its ligaments and sinews, grows with a growth that is from God” [Colossians 2:19]. The Church is not equal to Christ, Christ rules over it, and yet there is a beautiful unity. Christ is the source of the life that is given to the body, and therefore, Christ and the body are one.

The outcome of this is that the Church must always look to Christ for its orders, for the head gives the orders. If something does not receive its instructions from the head, it is not considered a functioning part of the body. So it is with the Church.

So what does this all mean? When I walk into church on Sunday, what should I be thinking? What should I be doing? First of all, I must understand that the church is Christ’s and not mine, therefore, when I am tempted to criticize or complain I must shut my mouth and first consider if Jesus shares my complaint or if I am acting as though I own the church.

Second, I must do what the Head has commanded, and not give myself orders or order other people to do things that are not in-line with Christ.

Third, I must thank the Lord of the Church for the life He has given, and remember that my strength, my health, and my gifts are not my own.

So there it is, a bit of a slow start, but a start anyway. I’m not trying to lift up myself or in anyway insinuate that I’m a saint but I just wanna share this. I hope next time we will all be going to the church with our hearts desire to really be with him and join him in the celebration of the Holy Mass. Amen!

January always seems like a letdown of sorts for me. The latter part of November and all of December are spent on gatherings, parties, exchange gifts, decorating, eating inordinate amounts of food, and taking in a veritable orgy of christmas dvds. Come January, we’re forced to settle back into our routines and make friends with the treadmill to work off all those extra calories we consumed.

January also signals it’s time to pay the piper for all the presents we bought. Credit card bills start arriving in the mail, seemingly to drain our pockets. It didn’t seem like much when we were making one purchase at a time, but once they are all added up… WOW! I found myself cash-strapped over the next few months.

Like many others, my mind is still in a haze, recovering from the holiday marathon. Three more containers of brisket, ham, cheese and salads remain untouched . Until I’m finished with the leftovers, I promised not to see the grocery store and add anything to our fridge. I even promised never to see brisket again until next December.

Other highlights :

We had an early Christmas Party and it was a blast.

We exchanged gifts and I love what I received from Almsie and also from Cj.

Spent the Christmas here in Manila and went home to the province for New Year.
Met some of my High School friends when I attended Toti’s birthday.
Enjoyed hanging out with my younger cousins and Aunties.

It was really an unremarkable vacation for me.
Too bad my brother’s wife had a miscarriage that we spent 4 days in the hospital.

Well, I’m convinced there’s really no place like home. Or at least if it’s anything like the way I spent the last two weeks of the Christmas holiday. It’s pronounced “no work.” No thinking about work. No answering e-mails. No job-related to-do lists. No NOs.

Don’t know, don’t care, I’m at home in loungewear.

It was such a relaxing time, even with family dropping in, friends stopping by, the holidays, the festivities.

I would wake early in the morning before anyone was up, grab as many newspapers as I could get my hands on or continue reading my book [New Moon and Eclipse of the Twilight Saga], make coffee, and then prop my feet up for a little quality reading time. It would only last about 32 seconds before the dog would scratch at the door asking to be let out [nice timing, dog!]. But it was an amazing 32 seconds. And then I’ll go back to bed again.

I had a to-do list that was as thick as a phone book, didn’t accomplish a single thing on it the whole time, and never once felt guilty or the least bit bothered. It made me realize that the best kind of to-do list is the one you don’t do.

Unfortunately it went by too quick — too fast. I miss being with my family all day and that the biggest decision I had to make was whether I will eat more or not.

“Um, how about both?” my other self would say solving the dilemma. I had the time to meet my high school friends too. It has been a long time since I’ve seen some of them. Toto [who celebrated his birthday], Dagul, Edwin and his brothers, Bilyon and more. It’s always nice to come home to be surrounded by your loved ones, friends and familiar surroundings.

I miss the grubby T-shirts, snack time of lumpia and banana cue, and the fact that teeth brushing was more or less optional… until my Aunt caught wind and nixed my plans. But it was liberating until then.

The highlight of one day was simply playing with my nephew and the neverending chit chats with my family. That was it. We were together and having fun. Maybe that’s when it occurred to me that life is too much about what you’re doing and what you’re getting done, and not enough about just being together and enjoying that simple experience. We’re always in such a rush to get through life that we rarely get the chance to sit back, relax and take it all in. Those two weeks, though, were dedicated to that very simple philosophy, and it made for a memorable experience.

But now it’s back to work, and it’s a tough adjustment. I forgot how to put a belt on my first day. I mis-buttoned my shirt. I wore unmatched socks. I couldn’t even remember where my office was, not to mention what I do there. Luckily there is a sign on the door.

Gone are the early morning coffee sessions and the pancake breakfasts. Gone are the carefree days and the grubby T-shirts. Gone are the strollinh around town and just enjoy the morning breeze.

Mighty nice it was, and I’m not totally ready to let go. So I’m adding to my to-do list a line that reads: “Remember to slow down once in a while and enjoy.” That’s something I might actually accomplish.

I just witnessed another failed relationship. I really feel bad because they’re both my friends and I haven’t been able to save it. I have always been their confidant and a friend to lean on but this time all my attempts to save them failed.

I have been there when it all started [Galera '98] and how it ended yesterday. I know how it feels and how it’s affecting them. I’ve been into one just recently and they have witnessed how I really suffered and how I stood up almost immediately.

I believe nobody enters into a relationship expecting it to fail. At the onset of a budding romance, you expect your feelings of love and happiness to continue to flourish as you learn more about each other, and eventually, the hope for a wonderful future together will develop.

Sometimes the opposite occurs. What seems like a rosy relationship on the surface can be festering with decay beneath. This may be a harsh assessment, but it is in fact the reality of many failed relationships. It could be something as simple as incompatibility, or past issues that interfere in our ability to have a healthy relationship. Or it could be something significantly worse, such as constant lying, or some form of abuse. Regardless of the cause, it is truly a shame when what started as something bright and promising ends with shattered hearts and broken minds.

As you sit nursing your wounds after the downfall of such a relationship, you will undoubtedly hear the catch-phrase from many friends and acquaintances that “time heals all wounds”. While this may be true, one thing we are painfully aware of right at that moment is that the wound is most definitely not yet healed, and such torment can affect our daily lives.

I’ve had my share of such failures but they made me more mature now. I can easily get over these failures and charge them to experience. I may not be a pro to giving advises but I hope I can still contribute something to at least help.

Getting over a failed relationship is sometimes a state of mind, as much as it is waiting patiently for your feelings of hurt to diminish. There are two important factors to consider after any parting. One, if you managed to find happiness in your relationship, whether for a week or for years, then take comfort and satisfaction in that fact, because there are many in this world who will sadly never experience that happiness. Two, if you were not happy, then again take comfort that the relationship is indeed over, for why should you participate any further in a relationship in which you do not derive any happiness from?

Do not consider it time wasted, that is a big mistake. There is a theory that each relationship you enter into in your life will help prepare you better for the next one, until you find the right one, your match. But this theory will only benefit you if you can take the time to objectively view your past relationships and see what went wrong, and learn from it.

Try to examine why the relationship failed. This is not about placing blame, either on your ex or yourself. If you feel that the failure is due to the actions of your ex, then you might want to consider finding someone who does not exhibit the same personality or behavioral qualities. If you believe that you were responsible for the termination of the relationship, then see what you can change about yourself so that there will not be a reoccurrence in your next relationship.

NEXT! I know it may sound like a stupid idea but it really works. That is the key word; NEXT. There will always be a next relationship, if you keep your mind open and your heart available. Many of us have a tendency to shut ourselves off emotionally after a failed relationship, vowing never to let anyone close to us again. While this may provide you with a sense of security, it will severely inhibit you from reaching any long-term happiness, and will most likely result in a continuance of failures. No one expects you to immediately hand over your heart to a new potential lover, but at some point, as the relationship continues to grow, you must tear down any walls you have built in order for any future growth to occur. Fear of being hurt again is a realistic and common trait, but you must not let that stand in your way of what could be a wonderful adventure. It is okay to be afraid, just so long as you don’t let it control your actions.

In essence, you must come to realize that you cannot avoid emotional pain. It is a fact of life, and a necessary one, for it teaches what is important and what is not, and each relationship is an important learning experience. You can look at your former partners and see what it is you liked most about them, and what you liked the least, and therefore be better prepared with an idea of what you are looking for in a potential future partner. For example, you may have found that good conversation is especially important, and possession of a fashionable wardrobe not so important.

Time will heal your wounds, but you must remember that the end of any relationship is not a time for mourning [or for celebration, as the case may be]. Rather it is a time for growing and learning. If you can do that, then you are one step closer to achieving true love and happiness, possibly with your next partner. Good luck!

H invited me to comeover and bring my Twilight DVD the other day. I have been maintaining “good friendship” with him despite everything that happened. We met for dinner first and discussed in detail our thoughts on the books. He was teasing me because I have reall all the books except “New Moon”. I was on cloud nine, no kidding [I don't know if it's because I sooo love Twilight or because I still sooo love him]. Someone in the flesh to discuss Twilight and all those wonderful, magical characters with! My only complaint is that the evening went by too fast. Before we knew it, it was time to head over to their place. My ardour for everything Twilight had settled somewhat, which is a good thing [because it's exhausting being obsessed with something all the time]. Yes Twilight and Edward and Jacob are still some of my very favorite things, but daydreaming about them had become secondary to…living! [pun intended]

As tempted as I am to pick up Twilight and start rereading the saga, I will refrain. Because after seeing the movie again, I feel myself getting pulled right back into the obsession. And if I allow myself to get Twilight out and read it, there will be no looking back. I’ll succumb to the magical draw of Forks, Bella, Jacob… and Edward. Ah, Edward!

H and I went into the Nth viewing of Twilight with different perspectives. He had seen it the first time with no prior knowledge of the story [more or less]. He hadn’t read the saga. I think that would’ve been a cool thing, to have seen the movie before reading the books. I had of course read them [a few times] but they weren’t extremely fresh in my mind. That was on purpose, I tried to remove myself from the story so I could have a fresh perspective. It was hard to do the first time I saw the movie. I couldn’t make my mind focus on the actual movie. Instead I just noticed what was different from the book, what was the same, and especially how the movie felt like a “cliff notes” version of the book. The scenes seemed choppy to me.

That night however, it had been even longer since I’d read the book and I’d already seen the movie so it was a lot easier for me to just go and focus on enjoying the movie itself. I loved it even more the Nth time! I did not get the sense of a choppy cliff notes version again. The movie flowed and the story seemed consistent and smooth. I’m not exaggerating! The excitement of being with him and the midnight viewing was gone as well. That was great and totally added to the experience the first time but had been maybe a little distracting from really seeing and enjoying the movie itself. My heart still raced with Edward’s first grand appearance onscreen, it was all very satisfying. And the things that bothered me the first time didn’t so much this time. My only complaint remains [and was even more heightened this time] Kristen Stewart’s portrayal of Bella. Hopefully she will tone down the drama and play up Bella’s “goofy in love in the face of danger” attitude for New Moon.

I trusted my friend when she told me that Eagle Eye is the perfect B-grade thriller, a fast-paced, excited and well budgeted picture with quality acting and enough chaos to satisfy my long planned DVD marathon. She somehow warned me that it is also ridiculous at times, forcing you to stretch your imagination far beyond what you expected. And that if I’ll accept that, the movie will be pretty damn entertaining.

The 2-Disc Special Edition DVD, however, is not. The Special Edition is not very special at all, as it contains just a few mediocre bonus features that no one really wants to see. The Alternate Ending, which is short and to-the-point, is okay - but thank God they didn’t use it in the theatrical release. However, the series of featurettes included on the discs are dull, dull, dull.

There’s a making-of featurette, which is more promotional than anything else and only provides a few real glimpses at the actual production of the movie; another one looks at filming in Washington, D.C. That’s not very exotic at all. Yet another is about the reality of the world we live in, and how it’s not that farfetched that we can be tracked most of the time; interesting subject, but there’s just too little real content to make this worthwhile. There’s also an interview between the director and his mentor, but I lost interest early on. Ironically, this one may be the most authentic of all of the bonus features, though it was a mistake to have the two just talking in a room; instead, they should have had a moderator to help lead the men down a more interesting path.

There’s also a gag real and some deleted scenes, but both features are pretty standard.

Now about the movie…

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you should make a movie about it. The abysmal Eagle Eye attempts to take modern-day paranoia about the intrusive nature of technology and turn it into an action movie. The result is an unqualified disaster, an unbelievable, unrealistic, and simply un-enjoyable barrage of noise and increasingly ridiculous plot twists. Eagle Eye doesn’t just require suspension of disbelief on the part of its audience. It demands that all logic and believability be left at the ticket counter with your hard-earned cash. This may be Executive Producer Steven Spielberg’s least believable film ever, and that’s including E.T. and Transformers.

As over-the-top and only-in-Hollywood as Live Free or Die Hard or similarly insane action movies [only with a completely straight face about it], Eagle Eye is hard to even recap intelligently. The film’s only accomplishment might be in that it will linger with audiences out into the lobby and beyond as viewers try to piece together the plot holes big enough to fly a B-12 Bomber through with ease. Shia LaBeouf stars as Jerry Shaw, a Stanford drop-out who now works at the Copy Cabana. He’s grown distant from his family, especially his successful twin brother Ethan. When his Air Force star sibling dies in a car accident, Jerry goes to the funeral and sort of reconnects with his family, but comes home to find his life in complete disarray. First, his bank account, which couldn’t satisfy his rent payment one day, has $750k deposited in it the next. He takes out some cash and heads home to find an apartment full of terrorist supplies that, apparently, are pretty easy to ship via DHL. As he’s examining the confidential documents and illegal weapons in his living room, his cell phone rings and he’s instructed that he has thirty seconds before the FBI will get there and arrest him on suspicion of terrorism unless he runs.

At the same time, Rachel Holloman [the miscast Michelle Monaghan] gets a similar call. Her son is on a train to DC to play at the Kennedy Center, and the mystery woman on the other end of the phone threatens to derail the locomotive if Rachel doesn’t follow orders. Jerry doesn’t run when he’s first told to and gets nabbed by an FBI, headed by Billy Bob Thornton, and the better-at-taking-directions Rachel has to bust out her unwilling partner in crime. The idea is that Jerry and Rachel are going to be pawns in an elaborate plot that uses our increasing lack of privacy as a weapon. Imagine an enemy that could get to you through any technological device. They can hear you on any phone, see you on any camera, and even use any computer-operated device like stop lights and cranes to their will. While LeBeouf and Monaghan run, jump, and scream every time the phone rings, Michael Chiklis, Rosario Dawson, and Anthony Mackie are all wasted in small supported roles.

It’s not that horrible an idea for a thriller, but it’s the execution that’s horrific. Unwilling to do anything in moderation, the four people it took to write one of the worst screenplays of the year almost seem to be playing a game where they have to top each other with each stupid twist. There’s something in the idea that we are surrounded by ATM cameras and cell phones, but, when the computer system that’s manipulating Jerry and Rachel starts to go beyond what any could possibly do - my favorite is that, apparently, a computer can not only cause power wire to snap but also swing directly into a running person - the suspension of disbelief becomes far, far too much to bear. And the final act is a howler. If director D.J. Caruso and the rest of the team behind the film could have put their tongue even slightly in cheek, Eagle Eye might have worked, but the increasingly insane plotline is played deadly straight, which should make the laughter in the audience all the more uncomfortable.

I usually attend Sunday Services at Victory Ortigas. Most of the time, I feel so hungry that I cruise for food stalls that could at least help me with my cravings and hunger. I found one that I think worthy of this entry. Located at the Ground floor, Asian Bites is more like an airconditioned “turo-turo”. It serves the usual asian dishes, chopsuey, noodles, sushi, maki, gyoza, tofu and iced tea. It becomes a favorite because the prices are really cheap. I’ve been there for more times than I care to count because I need to stretch out my budget. Some of the dishes they serve like the yakisoba can be shared by 2 as the servings are more generous than most. It is also a convenient quick stop for a hot meal if you are in the Ortigas area.

Added attraction is the fact that you can watch the cooks prepare your orders as they have an open kitchen.

California maki [you can ask them for extra wasabi] tops my list and their yakisoba has a lot of vegetables especially my favorite green bell pepper. These 2 treats you can have for less than P100.

This Sunday, I’ll try to cruise for some more sosy turo turos.

And hey! did I mention about the fried ensaymada that Red Ribbon offers? panalo!

I had a bad mood almost the whole week. Epal people just came popping out of nowhere. I thought of writing something to release what my heart is really feeling but decided to think things over. Yeah, I still don’t feel like seeing HER and HIM but I guess that’s how we were created… to coexist. So I should learn to ride the waves and start pondering on positive things. I’ll try to be rational and not to be emotional this time.

Unknown, unseen and unheard. That used to be the way I see of myself. Naive to the outside world, I wander about. Occupied with my own thoughts, blinded by my own life. Having no clue that eyes are set on my every move - both on the good and bad, but more inclined towards the bad.

Unaware of the “prying eyes” keeping track on me, judging me on what they observe and what they want to consider the truth. It sort of comes as a surprise when one gets the smell of these “prying eyes” lurking around one’s private life. What a palatable prey I’ve been.

But these “prying eyes” are part of our human nature. To be curious is to be human. No matter how much one tries, it is there in every one of us - in me and in you. And it is hard to be parted away from. It can as well be said to be an accessory that is central to maintaining human relationships. I just hope no one gets overdosed.

They say “one’s character and life are better known by the people outside the four corners of one’s home”. Well, there may be some underlying truth in it after all. True, our families are aware of our true colors, strengths and weaknesses. But take the time off to think again.

Once you take that step away from your secure home to the outside world. Hidden, prying eyes will ever be on you from then on. Without realizing, your footprints are scanned and minutely studied. And you become hounded as a prey by your “shadows”. And these “prying eyes” are not just a pair of them, but innumerable. That makes it more of a dilemma for one to find ways for an escape. And they are found to be on every nook and corner one’s life.

You may think yourself as being secure. It’s a pity. Given the green signal, your “shadows” will be on you before you can even say “huh!” You will know then, how fragile and insecure you are in the hands of your “shadows”.

This is the place I’m in - a wild and savage place; unsafe to wander about. Sad.

Everybody nosing around in their none-of-their-businesses. Ever ready to choke the other to death for the tiny mistakes they made unknowingly. Self contentment? that I don’t know.

This has become the trend. We can’t do nothing but stare with eyes wide open and try to live along with it. And be ever on our toes for a lookout of these “prying eyes”.

With very little clean air to breathe and congested dwellings, life sure is tough for a “celebrity” like me. Humorous it may seem to be, but have you ever given a thought that, like me you are also a “celebrity” for someone unknown to you out there?

So what can I say now? Go, squeal like a pig losers. Whatever pleases you. Eh bakit si siya? tapos ako… Pity.

Friends, these are all I need from you. No unsolicited advise please. Yes, I’m devastated. I caught him cheating. Pain. Agony. Hatred. Love. Tears. Denial. I can’t explain what I’m going through. Just bear with me, I’ll get over.

1. I want to vent, get it out without censor. I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.

3. Spare me from you “epal” attitude please. If you’re perfect then just be one. I don’t care. If you lack attention, don’t gain them through me. If you’re a model employee, then you are. I think we know you. Avoid the “sawsaw” attitude. You’ll have your time, trust me.

4. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

5. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

6. I’m a little bit sensitive now. Simple jokes may mean hell and all spears thrown. You know what to do.

7. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

8. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

9. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

10. I want to hear every so often, “How’s it going?” And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

11. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

12. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

13. If you know our story, don’t tell me “wala ka kse time sa kaniya eh” I know that already and can’t do anything about it.

14. Avoid asking questions on how it “all” went. Wait and you’ll read it here.

I felt so goody goody last Saturday. I decided to take my nephew and my younger brother to MOA and see Madagascar II. I had heard good things about this movie, and it did not disappoint.

In most cases, when they make a sequel to a popular kids cartoon, it flops. It’s never as good as the first one right? Madagascar was definitely an exception. This movie had a number of things going for it. My best friend agreed that it was definitely funnier then the first movie and we definitely laughed a lot. For the most part, it was pretty clean to. There were a few places in Madagascar where the jokes were a little on the adult side, but this one didn’t have much of that which was nice. It’s always refreshing to watch a movie everyone can enjoy, both kids and adults, without getting a little off-color.

Hopelessly stranded on the remote shores of Madagascar, the New Yorkers hatch a plan to get back to Central Park that instead finds them soaking up sun in the picturesque plains of Africa. Madagascar may be a nice place to visit, but for the gang of animals who spent most of their lives in New York, there is truly no place like home. After discovering the remnants of a crashed airplane, the penguins quickly set about making the repairs needed to get the craft airborne again. When the plane finally takes to the sky, it begins to look like it’s only a matter of time before Alex the Lion and friends are soaring over New York Harbor. Unfortunately the penguins weren’t the aviation experts they claimed to be, and before long the crew is coming in for a crash-landing in the untamed plains of Africa. Now, as the animals reared in the safety of the zoo come into contact with their decidedly wild counterparts for the very first time, they get a better feel for their roots while marveling over the differences between life in the concrete jungle and life on the world’s second largest continent. Of course, while there’s plenty to love about wandering the open plains, romantic rivalries and the risk of running into dangerous poachers soon begin to outweigh the joys of some long-overdue family reunions. With some particularly heavy cases of homesickness causing hearts to weigh heavy, the group gradually starts to wonder whether they’ll ever find their way back home.

I think one thing that made Madagascar 2 such a great movie was the range of relationships it explored. The first movie centered mainly around the relationship between Alex the Lion and his best friend Marty the Zebra. In Madagascar 2, they develop that relationship a bit more as well but they also work with the relationship between Alex and his parents, as well as some romantic relationships among the other characters. All put together, it makes for a very engaging plot line.

Oh and did I mention the movie is GORGEOUS? Set in Africa of course, the settings and the animals are just beautiful!

My nephew had really a good time laughing [he's only two years old], and pointing to the characters on screen that I had to hush hush him always.

Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa makes a great family night movie, and is a definite must see. We will be adding it to our movie library when it comes out on DVD as well.

It has been going on for quite so long now. I really can’t get a good sleep. I already have signed “written warning” escalation from work because of tardiness. I tried reading books but I can’t understand any. I tried taking some meds but hell-what-the-hell, really no effect!

After all desperate attempts and bugging H about my ordeal, he suggested that I come over his place and watch DVD with his all caps - JUST STOP TEXTING! I was reluctant to watch the movie - The Bucket List at first. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman sounded quite boring and too melodramatic for my ears. H insisted and demanded a review here. With so much love, I obliged [hehehe].

The movie operates on the hope that two beloved stars rubbing their signature screen personas together can spark warm, fuzzy box office magic. I didn’t count on it. Stars or no, it is an open question whether audiences will flock to a preposterous, putatively heartwarming buddy comedy about two men diagnosed with terminal cancer living it up in their final months.

Sitting atop of one of the Egyptian pyramids, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as terminally ill cancer patients, engage in a sentimental philosophical chat about life and loss. The two have decided to travel around the globe, doing whatever the heck they want; they can afford it since the Nicholson character is a billionaire CEO. The first thing to say about The Bucket List is that Rob Reiner is the rare director who can take all the wonder out of one of the seven wonders of the world. The way that the pyramid they’re sitting on is lit and shot, it looks completely fake, and the one in the distance could be a rear-projection backdrop. The second thing to observe is that the conversation might be taking place almost anywhere — in a coffee shop, say, or back in the dingy hospital room where Nicholson, as an aging playboy with four ex-wives, and Freeman, as a mechanic who has spent his life sacrificing for his family, first met, discovered that they had absolutely nothing in common, and decided to bond over their tragic illnesses and become friends anyway.

The biggest surprise of The Bucket List is how casually it treats the whole ”bucket list” of wild-things-to-do-before-we-die concept. It’s fun, for two minutes, to see Nicholson and Freeman jumping out of a plane, but once they’ve gotten tattoos and raced vintage cars [to the cloying been-there-heard-that accompaniment of ZZ Top's ''Tush''], the movie is already scraping the bottom of the bucket. Basically, they spend the rest of the time doing disease-of-the-week buddy-movie therapy against the backdrop of world landmarks. Nicholson has the benefit of playing a rascal so self-centered he veers into unpleasantness, but Freeman, as the brilliant working-class autodidact whose one ”flaw” is that his marriage suffered from empty-nest syndrome, reminds us once again that it’s long past time this actor played someone who isn’t a saint. If he and Jack had traded roles, there might have been one thing about the drably tender Bucket List that surprised you.“The Bucket List” is rated PG-13 [Parents strongly cautioned]. It has off-color dialogue.

After the movie, H asked me… You, what’s your Bucket List? Which I replied - Don’t ask me that, lalaki lalo ulo mo.

Eto si Lanie, ang aming Call Center Manager, na very-preggy sa anak nila ni Shoti, na dati kong shota [harharhar]…

Did this for her phone’s wallpaper and friendster’s background.

Labyu Lanie! mwah! mwah!

Pasko na nga ba? Not really. I just felt it when H and I went to shop last weekend and earlier today. We bought gifts for his relatives and friends already. That is the only time I felt its already Christmas because there are so many people around doing their Christmas shopping. But other than that, wala.

I just feel sad because you cannot feel the old Christmas spirit anymore. Those times we were kids when shopping was not really important. Caroling was the main focus of kids, eagerly awaiting December 16th. I miss the old times when Christmas decorations did not consist of huge, expensive “parols” bought from Pampanga or Gilmore Street but of a simple parol made of papel de Hapon. The parol-making competition sa Baste, simbang gabi, Christmas parties and everything that is very “pasko sa Mindoro”. Christmas is so commercialized nowadays. If you don’t have enough money, your Christmas is doomed. That’s the idea injected in our minds.

I noticed that in our neighborhood, only 3 houses, including ours, put up Christmas lights and parol. How sad no? When before, after November 2, decorations are in full swing already. Now, it’s already November 14 and yet people are not yet in the Christmas mood.

Ask them why and only one answer will they give you…

Wala kasing pera.

Didn’t they know that with or without money we can all celebrate Christmas? It need not be an expensive celebration. We just have to go back to basic and celebrate it because of the Lord. A simple parol will do. It need not be an expensive one. Banderitas will do. And some Christmas songs blasting from the neighbor’s radio will do the trick.

Wait, come to think of it, do you hear Christmas songs being played on the radio?

Come on, let’s start spreading the Christmas spirit.

Here’s my nephew very much anticipating Christmas.

Bakit? Ano ba meron? Kailan? Hanggang? Pede ba to?

So, when you read that title, did you automatically draw a conclusion in your mind about what a “skeptic” is? Did that word have a negative or a positive connotation in your mind?

There will always be times where you’ll feel dumb, uncertain, needs confirmation, needs help. I must admit, when it first occurred to me to write about skepticism this morning, I was thinking about those people who never trust anything unless they have proof; those people who want to live in what they KNOW, not what might be possible; those people who won’t support anything new; people who are basically difficult to have a conversation with because they question the logic of every idea. For me, the word had a negative connotation.

But when I looked up the meaning of the word in my trusty dictionary.com, I found out that the definition is:

One who instinctively or habitually doubts, questions, or disagrees with assertions or generally accepted conclusions.

And I discovered that I am a skeptic.

I’ve always been a questioner. As far back as I can remember, I had to know why things were the way they were, and whether or not they had to be that way. I really don’t believe I was trying to be difficult - I was just curious.

But the older I got, the more I began to understand that questions didn’t always have answers, and the people to whom I was addressing my questions didn’t want to appear uninformed or unintelligent, so they encouraged me to stop asking questions. Whether this was in school, at work, or even at home, I remember the effect of my questions on my teachers and parents, and I remember that I slowly began to shut up - at least on the outside.

But now I wonder, where would we be in our world of science, religion, education, business without those people who “instinctively doubt, question or disagree with generally accepted conclusions”?

Maybe for me the hangup has been with the context in this definition provided by the word “habitually.” Even the “right” thing done for the “wrong” reasons is still “wrong,” right?

Was I asking questions all my life just to be difficult? Was it a habit? I don’t think so. I’d like to get beyond my own preconceived notions and concepts of what constitutes skepticism and trust my own gut and instincts. Maybe that’s why I asked other people for the answer - because I didn’t trust my own knowing. Maybe I wanted validation. Maybe I just wanted to be acknowledged. Maybe I just wanted attention. I’d like to think those reasons for being curious evolved as I evolved throughout my life.

Maybe people have to be skeptical as they’re learning things in their lives. Maybe it’s their conditioning that turns them from intuitive skeptics into habitual skeptics. Let’s not let past perceptions - others’ or our own - keep us from questioning.

So let’s get back out there and be curious. Ask questions. Challenge the status quo. But don’t be afraid to look inside yourself for the answers.

Skeptics unite!

*Sigh

Everybody’s in a pressure cabin now. Everybody’s getting too sensitive. Everybody’s freaking out of nowhere. Everybody’s just not them right now. And I understand that.

The day made me realize things. I stopped on what I was doing, breathed and decided to write.

How do you deal with misconceptions? Some days you let it slide because, well, it is afterall a misconception, and you figure, hey, they’ll figure it out eventually and if not, good riddance.

It seems directly proportionate to the amount you feel about and for someone to how much their misunderstanding of you will affect you. The more you care about them, the more you care what they think. The less you care, the less frustrated you are when they get it wrong.

I’m finding that I’ve spent the greater part of my congnizant life being misunderstood and mislabeled…from the time my parents refused to understand why I would cry for no reason and told me to simply cut it out [maybe it was in fact depression],to my adulthood and the relationships I’ve attempted to have who did not and never would have the capacity to understand someone like me.

I think that sometimes people misunderstand because to understand might cause them greater pain or confusion. I think that sometimes people misunderstand because they’re afraid to really comprehend another person or another belief or another culture or another preference. Fear can drive people to do some pretty fucked up things. Maybe misunderstanding someone is just another way to hide from that fear and from the reality it presents. It’s easier to simply misunderstand and play dumb. It’s easier to not quite get it right because to get it or someone right requires too much work.

People rebel against being misunderstood. People kick and scream and cry and suffer and fall apart. All because they are misunderstood. People act out against it, write songs and poems in protest–anything to get their misunderstood voice out there so that maybe someday someone will understand. People speak up and out in desperation, as a last ditch effort, because they have nowhere else to turn, because they have to do something. So that there’s a record of them being misunderstood and what it really all comes down to is perspective. And no perspective is a Truth.

And sometimes people blog about it. Blog about the loneliness that being misunderstood brings. About the isolation and the alienation. Even misunderstood people need the chance to be accepted and loved and understood.

Because we are different, we are misunderstood. By default, we are misunderstood. We are brought up to be misunderstood and to misunderstand. And the disconnects keep getting easier and easier to commit.

I’m feeling misunderstood and I’m blogging about it. Not to be understood. Not about which I am misunderstood. Not to be on some sort of psuedo record of being misunderstood. Blogging because it is a lonely feeling indeed even though I know I’m not the only one.

Soooo, I’ve been over-inundated with work lately and have been a poor blogger, so I will attempt to add a good bunch of fun posts for you all to enjoy. I will make every effort to avoid the computer while I’m off work, so therefore will not be enlightening you with my obscene witticisms and off-color antecdotes. Sorry…

Kiko requested for me to write something about him and Jc. I really want to but I can’t still find the right words to even start. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I just hope I won’t be forced to write so quick just to announce something bad as their actions insinuate. Guys, take care of your relationship.

So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying. I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone as I monitor agents, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night. I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unaware and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response. It gets me every time. Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?

Funny enough, the adjective used for me is “genuine”. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time. I’m genuinely a good lover [insert pat on the back here] I’m genuinely a good partner. I genuinely pursue the goals I have set for myself. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind. Maybe that’s what it means. Also, what you see is what you get. I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks. It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that. It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.

When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I froze. I saw pictures of us in an Andy Warhol-type portrait. What particular thing makes one love another person? Is it a chemical balance? Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right? Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are? I have NO CLUE.

I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time. It feels great, and I’d like to believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love despite all the hardships and troubles I’m encountering. I guess time will tell how it all plays out.

Soooo, I’ve been over-inundated with work lately and have been a poor blogger, so I will attempt to add a good bunch of fun posts for you all to enjoy. I will make every effort to avoid the computer while I’m off work, so therefore will not be enlightening you with my obscene witticisms and off-color antecdotes. Sorry…

Kiko requested for me to write something about him and Jc. I really want to but I can’t still find the right words to even start. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I just hope I won’t be forced to write so quick just to announce something bad as their actions insinuate. Guys, take care of your relationship.

So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying. I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone as I monitor agents, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night. I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unaware and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response. It gets me every time. Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?

Funny enough, the adjective used for me is “genuine”. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time. I’m genuinely a good lover [insert pat on the back here] I’m genuinely a good partner. I genuinely pursue the goals I have set for myself. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind. Maybe that’s what it means. Also, what you see is what you get. I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks. It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that. It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.

When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I froze. I saw pictures of us in an Andy Warhol-type portrait. What particular thing makes one love another person? Is it a chemical balance? Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right? Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are? I have NO CLUE.

I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time. It feels great, and I’d like to believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love despite all the hardships and troubles I’m encountering. I guess time will tell how it all plays out.

Would you date the exact you?

The problem with you, you always compare yourself to me. What you can do, what I can’t, What you want, what I don’t… why don’t you clone yourself and let that shitty clone be your boyfriend?

Those were the exact words. Maybe I’m really being so demanding and inconsiderate. I always make an excuse by saying, you made me to be like this. You pushed me to be like this. Blah, blah, blah…

There is a major issue, especially in the gay community, but also in the straight community. It seems that no matter who you are, you want the perfect partner? Someone who is attractive. Someone who is pleasant to be around. Intelligent. Funny. Has money and a great job. Has a sense of spiritualism. Is comfortable with himself or herself. Yes, we want the perfect partner… all of us.

I do quite a bit of chatting online in the gay chat rooms, and whenever someone starts talking about how hard it is to find the perfect guy, I try to ask the same question: Would you date yourself?

In other words, are you the perfect guy [or gal] that you always talk about wanting? Are you attractive, or do you fundamentally feel that you’re entitled to someone that is more attractive than you are? Are you pleasant to be around, or do you think you should date someone who is more pleasant than you? You say you want someone to cuddle with you on the couch, but how often do you hold your friends when they’re hurting? You want a brilliant scientist or musician, but are you brilliant? Do you want someone who is more intelligent than you? In other words, do you want the perfect partner despite the fact that you are not the perfect partner?

I would ask you this next question? I promise, it’s not a trick question. What do you offer someone who would date or marry you? Are you a good listener? Are you very attractive and good in bed? Do you have interesting and intelligent things to say? What makes you a good partner?

Now, what are the areas that make you not so great? Are these things that you can work on?

The point of this is not to berate you for aiming high; in fact, I think that’s far better than settling on someone that is not compatible with you. But I have found based on my own experience, that when I am focused wholly on my own pain, I cannot focus on the pain of others. When I am focused on others, that is when I can see the world focusing back on me, and I find I think about myself even less when I am happy.

So I propose this challenge to you: Make a list of all those things that you want in your partner, and then BE those things. Often, we want our partners to have characteristics that we lack ourselves so that we feel like a whole person when we’re with him or her. If, however, we are all the things that we want in a partner, then we can focus on whether or not we simply like the person that we’re interested in rather than trying to get a resume of traits and experience that we can proud of in them.

You see, I am a whole person, with or without a relationship. So are you! Do you believe that? It’s true. You are a whole person even outside a relationship. If you can take the time to focus on improving and loving yourself, then you will not be so obsessed over when you will find a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, or wife. You will be happy in the moment. You will be happy with yourself.

I proposed a challenge above. I hope you will take me up on it. Make that list and be brave in making it! If you want a supermodel, then write it down. A college professor. Someone who listens. Then write it down, and be all those things. We learn from quantum physics [I think] that like energy attracts like energy. Although we have always heard that opposites attract, often that is not the case! Attractive people tend to end up with other attractive people. Educated people tend to have relationships with other educated people. Weak spiritual people are often with other weak spiritual people. That is why I have said it is so important to be the person you would want to date.

You will never be perfect; no one is. And that’s a good thing because you will always have room for improvement. Use that as an opportunity to continue to grow, and when you have grown enough, that special someone who has also been growing might show up in your life. Then you can have that fantastic relationship. Until then, use your time wisely rather than wallowing in pain from loneliness.

Sorry Beb. Mwah!

Before coming to work yesterday, I asked H to join me for coffee. While enjoying our usual bantering, a very familiar woman with 2 kids approached us asking for alms. The usual “we ran out of money and now I don’t have enough to pay for our fare to Bulacan” spiel went. I wasn’t really in the mood to say also my usual “ilang buwan na kayo humihingi niyan ah, di parin kayo nakakauwi?” counter spiel so I just told her “naku Manang pasensiya wala din”.

When the woman went away, H quipped “di ka na naawa, kahit 5 lang sana binigyan natin, nakabili nga tayo ng ganito eh”, I just shrugged my shoulder and gestured “sorry”.

Should I feel guilty because I bought and consumed the drink, which is worth P180, when I could have just given a part of that amount to the poor woman asking for alms? Should I feel guilty that I have the time to spare to drink such expensive drinks when those who’re not so fortunate, had to work to the bone to find something to eat?

I think ads for charity are all too good eliciting that guilt feelings from us, so that we would donate to their foundations or fund-raising events. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with giving to the needy, but if we’re going to eradicate poverty, we should begin with eradicating the mentality of dependence.

And for such a reason, I prefer to give alms to street kids who’re selling flowers, or candies, buying their merchandise and giving an extra tip if they’re courteous than to those who beat at the car window asking for some coins. I prefer that those who’re asking for loans from me to do something reasonable for me in exchange of the money instead.

As a matter of fact, I’ve never believed in equal distribution of wealth. I find it a devolution of our value of giving rewards based on merit, shifting to a value of giving rewards based on need. I think what we should be propagating is a mindset that one should not get more because he needs more or that he has less than others, but rather, he will get what is due to him because of what work he had done.

But what about the poor? [I am too] How can they get out of poverty if we will not help? I think in this part, we would all be better off we’re to concentrate on generating more jobs that are parallel to one’s available skills, instead of using up resources for short-term solutions.

And I hope most people would be more like those people working even if it doesn’t pay that well. These are the people who will not demand things just because they have less, but rather, will work to make themselves worthy of what it is that they ask. This is the kind of attitude that all of us should have and it is the attitude that will get us out of being one of the impoverished nations in the world.

To H, I’m really sorry if you think I’ve been selfish but there are things in this world that need to be taught and be realized. There are things that need a different attention rather than just directly giving them what they think they lack. Many of these people take advantage of the term “mahirap ako eh”. Being mahirap doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. Being mahirap doesn’t mean you can always just make kalabit to people and say “PENGE”.

Araguuyy…

If you’ve ever had an ingrown toenail that got infected, you know how painful I’m feeling now. Some people are more prone to having ingrown nails than others and it can become quite a problem. I already had 2 operations because of this. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot that can be done for this other than actually removing the nail.

I had this problem on the big toe of both feet. In one urgent care clinic, the doctor tried to remove part of the toenail on one foot and the whole experience was horrendously painful - and unsuccessful. After some incompetent treatment, I finally got to see a podiatrist who removed both toe’s nails and has never had a problem since.

When the nail is removed, some podiatrists and surgeons remove only part of it, the part that edges along each side and part of the matrix [root], while others remove the whole nail and root. The problem with removing the whole nail and root is that the toe bed no longer has the nail for protection.

The most painful part? Anaesthesia wears off even before the whole process is finished. Geee, I can’t imagine the pain I have to go through again. I hope it won’t be that bad. Please don’t. Huhuhu.

I still have 2 kulanis [lymph gland] sa singit to think of. Talking about pain. Huhuhu.

I had a WTF moment earlier. It was a dreary Monday. Everything just went wrong. I thought I’ll be spared from the venom, in a surprising instant, the proverbial chair was pulled out from under me. So I decided I need a t-shirt that says “WHAT THE FUCK” and a cute zip up hoodie to go over it. Then when I have these moments, I could just unzip the hoodie, exposing the shirt and appropriate sentiment. I often wish I could create such moments for myself at time when someone completely confuses me [happening a bit too frequently lately]. I would just unzip, sentiment expressed, and situation dealt with. Because, seriously, what the fuck.

That’s you Evette! Laglag Queen! I love you!

I’ve been itching to write, but a wonderful internet glitch has kept me away from accessing my site to update it…or to even just view it. But I’m here again.

Well, now I’m in information-overload mode and don’t know what to say.

1) My sleep schedule is horrific. I’m desperately trying to get myself back on track. It isn’t easy.

2) I’m eagerly waiting for the arrival of November 15. The time when everything’s gonna be over. With that, I meant everything bad, and that may include some people.

3) I have a big decision to make. I need to decide if I’ll be moving in with H or just let him leave me because we can’t be together. We’re supposed to have a vacation too. I think I need it. Badly.

4) My 10-year reunion is coming up. That’s depressing. It makes me feel really, really old. I’m too hip and cute to feel really old.

5) I watched Heroes last night. I don’t know. I LOVE this series, but right now, things seem so disjointed, I’m just not sure what to think.

6) I’ve developed new music obsessions. This is dangerous. It means I have to listen to each song over and over again until I know all the lyrics. Now I just need a mic.

7) Some things in my life really don’t make sense. Confusion is an interesting addiction. I’d rather be a bit confused and content than sure of something and not.

I like lists. I make them all the time. I like checking things off, getting this done. Sadly, my to-do list right now is WAY too long. I don’t feel like I’m ever in control.

9) I want a Kitchen-Aid mixer so I can make a Bailey’s ice cream and pair it with some delicious chocolate cake thing. That means I’ll have to invite people over to share with me.

10) And to conclude, I am about to confront a good friend who’s been trying to take away my boyfriend. Why can’t you just be happy for me? You think I wouldn’t know?

Over the last few days I realized how many things in my day-to-day life are habits. I think we create habits to help us feel safe: we take the same route to work; we shampoo, condition, and wash in the shower in the same order every day; we check certain websites with an eerie regularity. It’s harder to break some habits than others and we find that stepping out of our comfort zone in extreme ways may cause us great anxiety. All the more reason to push ourselves to do away with such habits. I could easily make a long list of those I want to break and ones I want to create. Some habits I have decided to give up and replace with new ones. Actually, I think I’m developing a new habit. I’m a bit scared by it, and I had initially decided it was probably one I shouldn’t adopt so quickly. But sometimes, you need new habits to replace old ones. And other times, you realize that a habit is good for you.

For the next few days I’ll be assessing myself and jot down these habits. Another post will be created for this. Maybe you can also create yours?