ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

I've been having a hard time lately. Either that, or I'm just being too hard on myself. Jealousy can kill, I know.

So far, it's been around three weeks of mediocrity. Three weeks of nonchalant concern for anything, everything I could possibly hope to care about. It's a carefree outlook that's becoming too familiar, as far as I'm concerned. Too common. Too embedded in my subconscious self.

To the point of being scary.

Why the boredom? The incessant fascination with self-destructive behavior? The unexplained wild mood swings? The thought of being jealous for no apparent reason?

It's too early to be anything that resembles any form of mid-life crisis-esque condition. It's too late for it be some kind of quasi-adolescent phenomenon. Or is it?

I don't know. It's starting to be too complicated for me. For my own good. I enjoy the challenge now and then. But this one... I am tempted to say, is proving itself to be too much for me. I thought I'm over this. I thought I'm too tough to love again.

Ha! I never thought I'd get around to saying these again. This day, most of all. Today.

But I have no answers to offer myself. That's the worse part. My mind is as blank as it could ever be. A clean slate that's not of the type we're supposed to have at this point in our lives. I am lost in my own prison cell --- bound by walls of restlessness, apathy and unabated self-flagellation.

Ah, the tragedy!

And there is no ending to this sad little tale. Nothing I'd gladly hold on to. Look forward to.


If there ever is some drug I could take; a song I could listen to; an advice I could promptly put to heart. Hand it over, please.

I will forever be indebted.

It's several weeks before Christmas and here I am gloating. Well, sort of. The christmas spirit is filling the air.

For the most part, I'm imagining things. I'm thinking of those people who are able to do what they want to do --- what they enjoy the most doing. I envy those people who are out tonight. Drinking their woes away. Filling their tummies to the point of ecstatic fullness. For whatever that means.

I'm stuck inside a box. Slowly degenerating. Decomposing. A slow and yet oh so painful process.

Nothing beats watching yourself at this sorry state.

I will get out of this.

But it's taking too long. Far too long...

This isn't the first time I got tagged. And still, I failed to see it when it was originally posted! Good thing it's only 2 questions.

1. What are the things you enjoy doing when there's no one around you?

Well, I spend a lot of time in front of PC [either at home or at the office which I've named almik, btw, just recently). Either I'm browsing through blogs, doing the monitorings for iPrint agents, downloading mp3s or vector arts, listening to my already considerably large collection of mp3s, watching YouTube, writing some literary musings, or finishing artworks for the christmas party or for friends who just happened to be pressuring me like they're paying me or simply to put them here on my blog. Yes, I do all that just sitting here. Like right now.

2. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?

Hmmm. Well, there's ALL OF THE ABOVE. I release all that tension by busying myself with such tasks. I also read books, now and then, having coffee with either Myah, Jc or Gretch, Ortigas stroll with Kate or the rest of the QA gang. Watch TV. But the best one so far, I think, has been listening to some music I particularly fancy at any given time, while lying down. I just close my eyes and fly... I'm not a very spiritual person actually. But sometimes being one helps too.

I won't tag anyone just yet. :)

It was my day off last Friday so I had all the stars and the moon to enjoy plus the cold wind of December for long hours of sleep. I can really feel Christmas fast approaching, the smell, the weather and the people.

"Oh my gosh I have a message" - as my cellphone's bading message alert screamed.

It's the same person sending all the good mornings and all the quotes he could possibly send in the world. I decided not to be irritated. The message prompted me to wake up and check my email messages. There was Kate and Gayle online and JC too!

Had a little chitchat with my co-QA's then JC buzzed me. Good mornings, his and hellos... "Lamig, sarap magkape", "oo nga eh", "Tara!", "Sige wait mo ko, punta ko diyan".

We headed off to UCC Coffee in Podium for breakfast, I can honestly say it was worth getting up for. It's really nice eating outdoors on such a gorgeous day with a great foods and coffee to compliment and enjoy chatting with friends. We started our meal with coffee and so these pictures tell the rest...


And yeah! we saw Edu Manzano to Game Ka Naba the day and Pichay to compliment our laughter. Itanim sa Senado! Wahahaha...

I don't know if I'm contented or happy. I don'tknow if I'm learning. I dn't know if I have already forgotten the feeling I have for him. I don't know if I can. I'm not depressed, nor am I wallowing in self-pity. I just want to get that out of the way. It's just that I have been thinking about my current life.

Lying in bed earlier today after BED clubbing, I had a hard time sleeping. I texted JC "I'm home, about to sleep na". He texted back "Hindi pa ako makatulog, anyway, sleep tight". And yet after few hours of just lying there, I stood up again. I can't sleep. I just had tonic vodka, tequilla and coffee and lots of dancing but the tiresome and gruesome night didn't summon my body to sleep. The long and quite moment gave me time to think. This life is good but I want something better. It feels like everything in my life right now is mediocre. I'm mediocre. I know I should be doing stuffs that make me grow and improve. I don't feel that right now. It's like I'm stuck doing the same things over and over again. I want to do something different. Learn something new. Do something new. I feel so restless.

A friend invited me about attending this introduction to wakeboarding. I'm seriously considering it. I also want to enroll at Fitness First. After this super-busy week, I will. I also want to start reviving my out of town-trips again. I want to design clothes. I want to study and pursue ice skating. I want my own clothing line. I want to learn how to sing. I want to write a novel. I want to write a movie! I want to be an extra in a movie! I miss theatre. Shit. I used to do all these before. What happened to me? Where's my life? Where am I? It seems that in the course of getting assimilated into the world of the underpaid young professionals, of trying to fit into this mold, I lost my self. I lost my passion. I used to dream about things. I still do. But before, I made my dreams happen. Today. I feel that I've lost that power. I pray to God that I get it back somehow. I know that when I do, things will be better. I will feel better. And my role in this world will be more significant. I want to contribute more. I want to be more. And starting today, I will. God help me.