ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

This weekend, all I want is a good rest.

See, there are people who tend to be more effective at work if they were placed under time constraints. Also, there are people who tend to be more efficient if their efforts will be remunerated. And there are individuals who perform at their maximum capacity if they were given enough rest. I am one of these individuals now. At least now. Thank you! I think I’m being normal now. It’s a NEW me.

On any given day, one is likely to perform effectively if he had enough rest before that. At least, that’s my case. I have to have sufficient sleep in order for me to do all daunting tasks the next day. Yes, gallons of brewed coffee might suffice as it worked for the OLD me, but the potency that sleeping is giving me now is very significant in my daily activities.

According to sleep scientists, one night of inadequate sleep can impair one’s reaction time and mental functioning, and chronic sleep deprivation can negatively impact one’s immune system and contribute to the development of a whole host of serious ailments.

Need I say more? So, I hereby suggest that we all should ditch our office problems and indulge ourselves in a good good slumber. For me? I’m spending it with Joanne, Mia, Cj and more!!! And I’m making it sure that I’ll be kissing my dark circles goodbye. I hope I’ll get well too! No office works. No office liars. No office eye sores. No office bitches.

P.S. On second thought, I want my Adobe Photoshop and internet access to come with me! hahaha!

One busy day, I noticed Rhon’s stat message and I think I also heard Jepoy saying it. Well, I’m saying this because Im trying to nurse a headache now. My temperature is a little bit lower but my headache severed. I’m craving for coffee. I miss my old self. When I don’t need to control my caffeine intake. When I can just text someone and spend the night out talking and laughing over a cup of coffee.

I missed contemplating over a cup of coffee.

People are intrinsically contemplative. In order for us to ingest the things that happen in our lives, we must pensively reflect on these and draw insights from this process. I believe everyone engages in this involuntarily process, no mater how surly the person is.

I have my own way of contemplating. If I want to get away from all the gauntlets that life hurls at me, I simply hush. Then I isolate myself from the world. I tend to fabricate my own quadrant, where I am not restricted to color beyond the lines, where I am superior to everyone.

To fully create my own imaginary world, I need to inject caffeine into my bloodstream. Amongst all luxuries in the world, I have found a buddy in the figure of a cup of coffee. The piquant aroma of a latte stimulates my brain cells. It arouses my subconscious mind. For me, coffee is everything.

With a cup of Cafe Americano beside me, I can now perform my contemplation. Much better if the Americano is accompanied with glazed doughnuts. Yum!

I just received a text message from a friend. He wanted me to console him about his recent romantic dilemma with his old friend who is unfortunately committed to a relationship at the moment. But despite his involvement with another guy whom he calls as boyfriendfriend, he persistently professed that he loves my friend. I’m confused and so is Becky, my friend [not his real name, just his preference har har har].

Relationships are designed to be either complicated or totally chaotic that’s why I try my best to stay away from it but sometimes it’s inevitable. Real-life relationships are not as perfect and not as fancy as those in the fairytale stories that our parents or nannies used to read to us before going to bed. Real-life relationships do not always end with “and they live happily ever after”. As a child, I used to think that couples live their little perfect lives after exchanging “I dos”. But as I grew up, I came to discover that it’s not always the case. It never was, is and never will. In real life, finding someone to love is quite a tough task to do. And once you found it, the even harder task begins. Relationships allow us to assume a role either that of a domineering boyfriend, a forgiving girlfriend or an abusive partner. Relationship turns us into someone that we never thought we can be. We can either become selfless or egoistic, loving or insensitive, vocal or cold. We morph into someone that is quite different from our usual selves as we grow or regress in a relationship.

And since relationships, by nature, are complicated we often find ourselves dwelling in the midst of confusion, groping in total darkness not knowing what we want or how bad we really want it. Sometimes we long for someone though we are loved by someone else. It has been a puzzling fact that pulls every healthy relationship down into the pits of chaos. Sometimes we are aware that we are happy and in fact we are living a blissful life with a partner yet sometimes we wonder how it feels like to be with somebody else, that someone whose name crosses our mind involuntarily every now and then. I haven’t read any book that would put my hunch into a theory or that would elucidate my ideas about such phenomenon. Not yet.

The same reason holds me from having a serious one of my own, the same permits me to always say “ayan kase” to people who would come tome with tears bacuse of break ups.

Maybe it is in our nature to seek perfection that we keep on longing for something that is missing. Maybe our little brain thinks that if we can find that someone to fill the gaps within us then maybe we will forever be happy.

I am a skeptic when it comes to those falling-in-love theories. The one that says that when you find that someone everything else stops and you feel like floating on mid-air as you see nothing but her/his face and that you can even remember that particular moment for the rest of your life with every details associated to it intact. I believe they call it as the sweep-me-off-my-feet moment, the moment when one is supposedly caught off guard when you’re devoid of any existing fears and misery with nothing but just plain sheer moment of indestructible attraction in your system.

Consider me a cynic, a non-believer of such mushy theory. I admit though that once in my naturally complicated life I’ve been through those moments of extreme cheesiness, those times when Cupid was jumping with utmost joy. Now, he is officially assassinated… at least in my own imperfect world.

While at home, lying and suffering from what seemed like a vertigo/migraine/hangover rolled into one and a very severe [watch that!] sorethroat, I heard my nephew saying “wow”, I thought it was just the usual Jollibee commercial he’s really fond of but when I opened my eyes I saw this video. I was just staring for few seconds and then I heard myself saying “wow”… My sister was watching also and quipped “lagot na naman mga tga GMA, another Herculean to beat” I can’t help but to agree.

I’m a little bit sensitive at times and I know that. I try to control it but the recent weekend got the best of me.

I have different groups of friends. Friends from the province, due to preference, online and office friends. And there’s what I call the closest of them all which is of course my kababata - we have been friends and classmates from Kinder to High School and one group also that composes JC, Ron, Jay, Guise and the rest of the Babylon gang. But for the past few weeks, I took time to know and be close to some of my office friends.

We were together when we had an out-of-town trip to Zambales, after that I really got too involved with almost everyone. It just hurts me badly because all the while I though we have really built good friendship. Not that I don’t have people to accompany me through the weekend [because that rarely happens - there would always be Ralf, Jc or Jay to ask me out] but the thought of at least being invited to whatever they were planning would really mean so much. Even before I went home that day, I kept on asking Mia…di ba talaga tayo kasali? Di ako nagmamakaawa pero pabalat bunga lang ini-expect ko that time. All just seemed too weird then. Uh well, maybe I expected too much. I don’t wanna demand for anything but I guess I should also be thankful because they have insinuated the real score between us.

I went from being hurt to being pissed in just few seconds.

I’m sitting here, still feeling waves of untempered emotion rumble back and forth in my heart. I had a restless night that Saturday. Was thinking what I must have done wrong then. Good thing I had one of those conversations with Jc, so I sucked it in, tried to remember all of the good things I have to be thankful for.

The title of my blog is heart to hurt, that means my intention is to write the raw-uncut version of what goes on in my heart. I’m secure enough to know, most of us battle with the same stuff. You may not be letting anyone close enough to your life to see the struggles when they happen- but we all smoke and sputter at times because we’re human.

I’m not sure where to go with this post. Just writing it out has helped defuse a lot of my anger or should I say bitterness. Hurt [for me] doesn’t stay hurt for very long. It quickly ferments into a low grade anger.

Most of us leave a trail of burnt bridges. Some of them needed to be burnt… abusive toxic relationships…

Others, we burn because we’re hurt and it feels good to strike back. The only problem with that is, sooner or later, in virtually every close relationship, there are going to be misunderstandings. The closer you get to another person, the more likely it is, one of you is going to say or do something to hurt the other person- and there’s a good chance they won’t even know it. Do I want to get to the end of my life- pretty much alone, due to my habit of torching relationships the first or third time the other person did something to upset me? I have that option, and I’ve done it… I’ve also forgiven my friends when maybe someone else would have walked away, and those relationships feel that much richer and deeper because of it. Thanks for listening to an old fool vent.

We as humans are wired to connect, and when we are abandoned everything inside of us rises up screaming. As for me? I’ll continue to write whatever I feel here and will enjoy it immensely.

People who don’t have knowledge of what really happened maybe puzzled because I tried to be vague on details. Or you might ask me where the entry is heading… let me tell you this then… this is one of those random rants I’m writing just to ease out the pain. I need not go into specifics. I just want to write.