ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

Somewhere between sleep and consciousness, I became aware of the bustle of activity downstairs... the unmistakable laugh,the aroma. The smell of ginisang tahong and pinipritong isda wafted through the window and assailed my scent buds and I knew it was time to get up.

It was ariel and roan getting busy preparing dinner, with khar amplifying the supposed to be simple and not that loud chat *hehehe

I was supposed to create a blog about the night's happening but due to roan's pamimilit, I'm posting hers.

Love? it must be. I'd rather not make anymore comment.

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Earlier this day, I was startled by rOan's tili. I was sleeping like a log when this thing happened. Of course na-buwiset ako. She was watching Game Ka Na Ba? And since I can't go back to sleep na, I decided to get out of bed. Wowowee started. As usual, I was then glued. The program's host - Willie acknowledged the TFC subscribers and blurted out...

"Akala natin masarap buhay sa Amerika, di natin alam naghihirap din sila doon, ang mga kababayan natin".

I never thought I’d be asked and I’d be answering this meme, “3 Reasons Why It Feels Great to be Pinoy”. To think that, almost everyday of our lives, we come up with reasons to put Filipinos down, from the worst traffic in EDSA to the red tape in government. At first I thought it would have been easier if the question was “3 Reasons Why Being Filipino Sucks”. That’s a pessimist for you. But lately I’ve learned I must look on the brighter side of things more often [because I’m getting older]. No use living life down and out.

Three Reasons Why It Feels Great To Be Pinoy

1 We tend to be more compassionate and loving towards our elderly than our Western brothers. This is true. We live as extended families: mother, father, the in-laws, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandparents, and the househelp all in the same house. We just don’t seem to entertain the idea that we’ll let our old parents or grandparents live on their own in a house where nobody can take care of their needs. More often than not, we’d rather invite them to our own home, suffer the extra hungry mouths to feed and to take care of and the occasional [or frequent] fights with the spouse or the in-laws regarding them, than to spend countless nights thinking if they’re all right living alone in the house, if they’ve eaten well, or if the house is still intact and not burned down to the ground because Grandpa forgot to turn off the stove or put out the candle. To leave our old parents under the care of nursing homes is not an idea we entertain. For as long as we have the means and the energy, we’d rather take care of them rather than pay strangers to take care of them for us.

This is often not the case in the West. At the age of eighteen, the young adult leaves home, work on one, two, or three jobs, earning money so that he could study, and settle on his own, single or married. What happens to his parents? Parents, finding the nest empty because all of their sons/daughters have already fled, live out their lives as if they never had children at all. Kids aren’t expected that they ought to care for their parents. When they get too old to take care of themselves, either they enroll themselves in nursing homes or the kids do it for them.

I do not criticize Westerners for doing such things. It’s their culture and it’s their way of life. But it’s not something that I think I’d do. I’d rather take care of my own folks, be it that they drive me crazy most of the time. And I don’t expect my future kids to be taking care of me when I grow old. But it would be an easier and happier life if I were to grow old with all my little grandchildren around me than spending it in a nursing home.

2 We are a poor country, but still we can smile. We may be poor, unlike our Asian neighbors like Singapore and Japan. But, at least, despite the poverty, we remain, generally, a happy people. Unlike those rich countries, where people can spend all they want for what they want and still they feel unhappy and depressed. I think this trait of the Filipinos is a measure of strength, as long as we don’t overdo it. How to overdo it? Lose your job and get drunk every afternoon and every night while your children starve. I’ve seen some folks like that here in my town. I see that their houses are almost in shambles, and yet they spend every afternoon out of their little shanties, their rickety table spread out with bottles and bottles of gin and pulutan, which I don’t know how they were able to acquire since they are jobless, and laughing and cajoling with their drunken friends while their poor wives are at wits’ end trying to find food for the kids. But I hope they’re just a minority. I still want to believe that majority of our people are hardworking despite being poor.

3 We can be transplanted anywhere without losing our Pinoy identity. How do I know? Plant a pinoy in the United States and after some time, you’ll see that pinoy happily living, comfortable with eating Uncle Sam’s food or donning the American accent to fit in his surroundings. And yet when he’s in his own clique of kapwa pinoys, he’s still the same Pedro who left the Philippines. Plant a pinoy in Germany and he’d soon look, talk, and walk like a German [or close enough to be able to blend in]. Yet when he comes home, he’d still be cooking his adobo. My point is, when we do leave our country and get to live somewhere, we may undergo changes because we have to survive in that place but still, we keep in ourselves our distinct Pinoy traits.

Can't imagine my parents being away for such reasons... Mahal ko sila masyado para balewalain.

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I promised before to my office friends who were forced to religiously read my posts to talk about more interesting stuffs than how great my [HIM] escapades are... At the same time, I gotta blog about me. And seeing as I spend all my time either working or hanging out with him, I’d rather write about him. Last night, we had the best dinner ever. We went to Banana Leaf Curry House, an upscale chain specializing in steak and seafood. First, we sat in the bar. I had a yummy apple mojito and HE had an amstel light. We discussed whether we liked the shirt a girl in the bar was wearing and continued to chat about fashion and the importance of bearing in mind your bone structure when deciding what to wear [pakialamero?]. I’m telling you, this guy is awesome. When our table was ready, we moved into the dining room where we met our fabulous server, Janne. We ordered the crab and artichoke dip and dug into the best bread ever as we perused the menu.

Our order: HE had the Fijian Ono with spinach and sundried tomato risotto. I had the almond crusted scallops.

Plus : [HIS friends dropped by so we ordered more] Indian rothi with curry dip, Hainanese Chicken, Fried Veggies and more, more...

Our review: Hooray! Best anything ever. Every bit of the meal was just perfect and I totally recommend this restaurant to anyone. I’m even considering working there *ha ha ha

Dessert: The best part. We had the aptly named, Chocolate Indulgence cake. Holy crap! [bagay?] It was the most decadent, gooeyest, chocolatiest thing ever. The entire experience was a lot of fun. I’m sure the mojito and the sauvignon blanc had something to do with it.

The food was great.

The company was great.

And we looked great.

HE even paid! Buhay nga naman!

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I still have yet to catch up on everything following the holiday weekend. I have some stuff needed to get done around the office. I must admit, it has been a lazy week for me. I just hope to have most of that be finished tonight. Nonetheless, the weekend was a busy one for me.

On Friday, I went to visit my friends [mami Cez, Bernie, Len, Joanne, Sharon, Soc, Dian etc...] from my former company for some chikas and daldalans. We had a good time giggling as I was too busy quaffing my salabat with gusto [*punyetang ubo], and telling stories while hanging out at their stations. Following that, the same night I passed my "letter of intent on reinstatement of my former position". I know some people might take that move the other way around but I don't think I should care anymore. I still managed to report for work after that yet we were sent home early as there were no leads to call on.

After office, Marianne and Mami Weng dropped by my place for breakfast - our first stop before going to Divisoria. I'll play a little "Probe Team" here *hehehe.

People go here and get out barely alive from the experience - welcome to Divisoria!!! [in our case DV or Divine], a shopping heaven in what seems to be a little corner of hell in this City of our Affections. And yet, from what seems to be an eternity in walking the length and breadth of C.M. Recto, braving the roads which Philippine laws have given up ever controlling, side by side with sweaty people and cargadors on your left and moving [!] delivery trucks and passenger jeepneys on your right, we still come out happy from finding something we thought we'd never find, with bags of goodies on both hands, and a little braver from the trip. Welcome to Divisoria!

If you’re not into exploring hot, dirty places [by “hot” I mean the temperature, and by “dirty,” I am referring to hygiene], go directly to 168 Mall. It is Greenhills-ish, only more cramped. But the prices are fairly low especially if you buy in bulk in which case you can avail of the wholesale price which can go lower depending on your gift in haggling. But beware of some stalls that forbid buyers from haggling for it will deprive you of getting the lowest price for the goods you choose to buy. And without bargaining for the price of the things you buy, your Divisoria story would not be complete. It is easy to know these stalls. Well because they post signs which say, “Wag makulit, bawal ang tawad”. It will be best to abide by such sign.

Not all stores are as blunt, though. Take the one I saw last time where cartons with "LAHAT P88” written on them. To satisfy my curiosity, I went inside to ask the saleslady, “Kung lahat 88, ibig sabihin ba noon bawal tumawad?” to which she replied, “fixed price na po kasi kami.” And there, I got my answer. Needless to say, I left.

Divisoria has become all that and more at least to my eyes. It is not just a chain of shops that sell items for a cheap price. It is a walk-in therapy for people with money and without anything to do. It is a place where future entrepreneurs begin. It houses a big community of Chinese people who have found refuge in our country’s lucrative fascination with bargain commodities.

It has become a cradle for Chinese babies being raised by Pinoy salesladies. It is an employer for a number of young women and men who wish to earn cash to pursue their studies—sometimes even while working.

What I remember is that the day ended well. With sore feet and empty pockets, but happy nonetheless. Carrying big plastic bags full of goodies well-bargained for and the thought that "salamat may magagamit na sa pasukan mga anak ko" - at least for the Marianne and Mami Wheng - my true-nanay-respectable-friends. Me? got two capris for my Mom and DVDs *hehehe.

Divisoria is a culture in itself.

And if that’s not enough, Divisoria is the home for Garfield, too!

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How do you like my new friendster layout? I think it’s nice gray, pink and clean. I designed a theme awhile ago — decent, but it lacked a way for visitors to leave comments and I like this one better. So thank God, the tutorial's been such a great help.

I’ve been working on migrating my stuff from friendster to blogger. It’s been a real struggle — ever wonder why it’s such a pain-in-the-ass to export entries here to blogger, especially the pictures? These pictures are extremely important to me, they bring life to whatever I write.

So I was migrating each “entrée” [yuM!] to blogger — it’s TOO difficult. And since there’s no way you can have them all be imported or either way. I resorted to manual copy-paste-mode. Grrr… that is so tiring! Worst, the pictures cant just be uploaded the way you wanted it or where you wanted them to be placed. I feel like giving up. I need to continue doing these though because we don’t have friendster access in our office. Shet! What a headache.

Another migration issue I had was figuring out how to embed videos and the RSS feed is keeping me nuts. Same way, I can't understand and can’t configure each sub-domain with different features needed for different apps I’m writing.

I need to work on this as soon as possible. By the way, here’s a peek on my new blogger…

Or maybe you want a walk through?

[ click here ]

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I won't be posTing raNts muna... thiS day wiLL be for naTes... i'm misSing you na agaD... iba paLa 'yonG thoughT na aLam moNg andiyaN ka Lang, pag tinXt ka pede na agaD makiTa... eh heLLo! abu dHabi? kamUsTa namaN? kahiT mag-kyemeraT ako di kiTa maabOt agaD!... i jusT hatE the feeLing...

Emote!

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I thought i'm done crying. First was Nates' leaving for UAE, now... Jonathan Kent's death. I haven't cried on any TV or movie show for the longest time. But earlier's episode made me. Whew! talking about

[ video ]

teleseryeness *hehehe. It's often a bit of a tease when a show promises a death. Ever since so long ago when Beverly Hills 90210 promised that "one of their own" would die and then killed off Silver's friend in the cowboy hat, I've learned not to expect too much. Last night's 100th episode had Clark whisking Lana off to his secret lair, confessing all and popping the question. She makes him wait for a little while and then agrees to marry him. All seems to be perfect, Mr. Kent wins the election and is now Senator Kent, Lana is welcomed into the Kent family and it's good feelings all around. But wait, we are only a half hour in. Lana's phone rings, Lex beckons and next we see Lana at the Luthor lair talking to Lex lit by firelight. He finds out she knows Clark's secret, she runs off and he tosses his drink into the fire. Next we see Lana driving away, calling Clark, Lex pulls up behind her, a rather rocking schoolbus with a distracted driver is crossing and intersection and bam, smash. No more Lana. Clark zooms in to see his broken and bloodied beloved. Of course we know Clark won't let this stand. Anyone who has seen the Superman movies might assume Clark is going to spin the world backward to reverse time but this time it's more simple. He is given a crystal that he can use but he is warned that the balance must be maintained. Now I spend the rest of the episode wondering who is going to be taken instead. He choose to save Lana and finds himself at the start of yesterday. Lana tells him they need to take a break from each other. Clark confesses what he's done to Chloe who doesn't believe him at first but then agrees to tail Lana around for the day. Once again Lex calls, Lana goes running, a car chase ensues but this time Clark manages to save her by slowing down the bus. Meanwhile at the Kent farm. Mr. Kent has a confrontation with Lionel Luthor. Mr. Kent vows to pay back the money that Lex's dad gave to his election but then is shown a picture of something incriminating. He crumples up the picture and punches Lionel. Afterwards, he staggers a bit. We see him walk away and Lionel's bloodied hand grab the crumpled photo. As Clark and Mrs. Kent arrive home, Jonathan Kent walks out into the driveway, looks lovingly at his family, and dies in their arms. Clark is understandably upset and fells as if he caused it but even after he explains everything, his mother forgives him. I'll miss seeing John Schneider on this show but I think that the death of Mr. Kent might make Clark more of a man and polarize the tension between the Luthors and the Kents.

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I ’ll admit, I love watching Fear Factor on TV. I make it sure I’ll be able to watch it when time permits. Even now, I’ll catch repeats of the show and watch in fascination as entrants eat disgusting things like beetles, pig testicles, and fish eyes, or dangle from staggering heights while doing a stunt, wrangle with alligators, or be buried alive with scorpions, snakes, rats, spiders, or other creepy-crawlies.

While watching one of these Fear Factor earlier, as Roan and I were having our dinner, it got me thinking of what my Fear Factor might be. I’m not that afraid of eating gross things – I would just choose not to. Heights do bother me, but I can work that, and I could probably handle having bugs crawling all over me. Again, it’s not something I would volunteer to do, but those aren’t things that make my heart pound in fear. I’m one of those people that can put myself “in the zone” when I have to do something that I don’t like to do like getting shots. I used to fear needles, but learned to make myself relax enough that I can handle getting a shot now. So, after giving the question serious thought, I realized that there are two things that strike real fear in me: The first thing is the fear of drowning. Maybe brought about by my childhood experiences on water. My Lolo have this “trip” on bringing on his apos to deeper part of the water even though we’re already turning blue. For me, there is just something about the thought of being under water and not being able to breathe that makes my chest hurt, or being trapped underwater somehow. It’s just something that makes me queasy just to think about! The other thing that I’m really, really afraid of is aggressive dogs. The kind that lift their upper lip when they snarl and show sharp teeth. Now, this fear is based on a personal aggressive dog experience when I was a little boy [*mind the "boy" tag], and has stayed with me ever since. At the time, I was 10 years old and I was on my way home from school with a friend [who was riding his bike]. There were two boys on the school grounds, and their dog was barking viciously along the chain link fence that separated me from the dog. He obviously wanted a piece of me *hehehe. Well, the boys took their rabid dog and dropped him over the fence to my side, and the dog chased me down, growling and fangs bared, and bit me in the butt! I ended up crying out loud with an old lady treating me her magical bawang, but thank God I didn’t have to go through a series of rabies shots. There was also a time when a friend of mine [nates] made me his shield from the vicious dogs on our way down from Makambang. However, the incident truly traumatized me. Now, whenever I’m near a snarling, vicious dog, my hair stands on end, my heart beats hard and fast, and I become paralyzed with fear.

So tell me, what are your personal fears for yourself? What are you most afraid of? What sends chill chills up your spine and puts your adrenaline in danger zone? Oh, please don't tell me losing your boyfriend...

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Okay, so I've found a common theme in a lot of blogs I read, mine included - self-pity. I swear we bloggers revel in it and I'm no exception. I guess in a way it's the need to draw attention to ourselves by reminding people of the struggles we have with our imperfections. Damaged goods, or in this case people, seem to be so much more interesting than your average well-adjusted human being, whether it's because you're fascinated or whether because it's laughable. And that's my two cents worth for today. Don't be offended or anything, it's just an opinion.

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I just discovered this cool flower called Double Sunshine. Got curious and felt weird as well. My parents have this certain penchant for flower-y and biscuit-ty name *hehehe. My sisters were named Marigold, Mariqueen, Allen Marie and Mia Pearl. I just don’t know if they’ll be using double sunshine the next time [if ever] they’ll create one angel again. I mean, who can tell? they seem to have this plan of creating a "community" under one roof. I like that name, sounds cool... far more than petunia. And it's far more poetic to call your loved one that way, than, say, "My Petunia." Double Sunshine... it sounds like the feeling two people both get with each other when they know they both fell in love with each other. Hope this weekend forecasts lots of double sunshine for all of you! And Nates, before you go, I wish you double sunshine! Ingatz ka dun ha.

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The elections are over, but a lot of the chaos is still in the air. Election violence, "dagdag-bawas", mass vote tabulation disorder and candidates filing complaints of cheating, left and right. After so many years of pandemonium, one would expect the average voter to get desensitized to this type of election fever. Still, we always hope for the best...but each electoral year, the magnanimous amount of turmoil still never ceases to amaze me. It's a wonder how we get through our electoral process. But all election seriousness aside, tabulation result has finally made me think, "mature na nga ba tayo" as claimed? If so, that would be a great leap for the Filipino people... Gone are the days of political circus, pa-pogian and payamanan.

Masaya ako kasi talo si pacman, montano lalo na si goma, si pichay, si singson...holler? [*just my opinion]

Anyway, whatever... that wouldn't change the fact that Nates would still be leaving. I just pray that there will come a time that we wouldn't need to go abroad anymore to find better paying jobs. Same way I pray that the next time we hear ourselves saying "abroad", that would be because our child just wanna see Disneyland, the Daranak, the Eiffel, these and those...

Ayus 'yon diba? Baka-bakasyon na lang.

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Last night I cried…

One of my very best friend, childhood brother, confidant --- Nates, will be leaving for UAE this weekend. It came as a surprise, although we know of his plans to leave the country, I didn't know it would be this soon. Though the contract is only for 2-3 years and he can make balik every year, his stay there may be longer especially if great opportunities knock, which we know will happen.

Last night I cried…

It didn’t sink in that easy, I just knew I'll be missing Nates. But last night’s despedida toma was different. Everybody’s holding tears. Two decades of friendship. He has always been the friend who is always there. Like, "literally" there. He'd text me always for a quick hi and hello, we'd have lunch–dinner-coffee, I’d stay in their house for no reason, he can make sermon about almost everything to me because I know he can be trusted and that he sincerely cares. I'd make him sermon even if he is in faraway places having the time of his life, I get advices from him, we'd exchange kilometric text messages --- 12 SMS in one sending, he'd show me his tailored hair, get my approval on his new look, his wardrobe, and he'd be the forever vain in all our pictorials --- that I would surely miss!

Last night I cried…

Surprisingly, during his despedida, we were all [Nates, Roan, Yehlen, Emman] crying during the paalam after toma [John was tulog na kse]. I don't know why but that night, it struck me that the following days, he won't be there next to me. I wouldn't have someone to share whatever with... my thoughts at work, my fears, my questions, my boylets, my daily kwentos. I realized that he has indeed became a part of me. And I of him. Even I was surprised when we cried [I’m not that bato pa rin pala]. What can I do... I'm bad with goodbyes. Thats why every despedida, I drink until I'm drunk... to drown the tears maybe. Too bad i was sober during Nate’s despedida... so the tears fell.

Last night I cried…

For the next lungkot nights, I’ll be alone. No more Nates to share late nights with. No more Nates to have coffee with, to watch movies with, to hang out with. With him I can be ME, tell the complexities of everything in my life. I’ll surely miss him, all our barkadas will.

To Nates, if you're reading this, thank you for the friendship... for the words of wisdom... for believing in me and making me feel good about myself. I appreciate everything we've shared and I know we'll be sharing more....

Good luck to your next endeavor and I know that whatever you intend to do, you'll succeed! God bless you...

*Photos were taken before he finally packed up...

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Here...

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

The music plays over and over…

I still remember his words over tears during our Senior High Recollection.

It’s so hayskul I know, but that closeness, love and friendship have been maintained and taken cared of to the amazement of others. We’ve managed to be together here in the big city and now he’s leaving for UAE. He’s now pursuing another dream. Bigger dreams for the future... I hope we can still manage to follow.

As I sit and write this, I still can’t believe a very dear friend of mine is [actually] leaving. He deserves it. He’s waited long enough and now he’ll be reporting kay Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum [friends kami you know, royal blood *hehehe ]. We all have practical reasons on leaving, like I am sick to death of my paid job, and I can’t find another one that I can stand and will give me the health insurance and benefits needed to take care of myself.

My alter ego asked me what I’m going to miss the most. I don’t even know how to answer that question. He’s been a true friend on many aspects and levels. His views in life, discipline and friendship have touched our lives. Being a part of continuing to write that kind of friendship today means more to me than anything. The only thing I can contribute.

It’s a wake up call. Where have you gone lately? Where are you heading? These questions now come in tow. Ka-pressure *he he he. Emman will be having his new car, Rain might leave na din [naholdap the other day], Roan is trying not to struggle at work [sana maregular na siya], Au’s making waves sa buhay ng mga boys and of course still reaching for her dreams, Bitoy does the same, at ako naman is still trying to be stable and praying to be guided on my decision makings. Ahh, well, those are just tips of what’s going on in our barkada’s circle.

Bringing it back to the personal, I have to say that my friends are amazing people. We have the most segregated ideas and views in life at times, but it is the “friendship” that binds us together, it is what solidifies our individuality.

So while we’re all kicking our asses here and working, Somebody’s packing and starting to leave to pursue another challenge and somehow pushes us to target better goals. I know he’ll be carrying all of us with him until he can make it back home. Our dreams are huge parts of who we are and who we wanted to be.

So to you my friend, we’ll be praying success and many balikbayan boxes to come our way.

We’ll miss you!

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I've made a point of waking up this afternoon defying my usual hours of sleep just to watch TV. It was already a replay but I didn't care. I just feel the need to post on the "American Idol" finale, despite the fact I've known Jordin Sparks won for the past three hours or so. And who hasn't? It was on the Internet almost immediately. SFGate ran a spoiler warning on the link to its story, as did other sites like MSNBC, but all you had to do to avoid sitting through tonight's two-hour finale was just Google "Idol" results.

Yeah, I'm glad Jordin won. She's got the talent and will get even better as she gets more performance experience. Blake won't be washing dishes for a living, I'm sure, nor will several other "Idol" finalists. Yes, Toto too... I mean, Sanjaya too. Sorry.

I still think the biggest sin of season six was Stephanie Edwards' premature departure. She's got something special, something Paula might call "vocal voice." But here's the thing, dawgs. If you did avoid the two-hour self-pleasure-fest tonight, you would have missed some really kick-ass performances. Tony Bennett, who was reportedly annoyed at "Idol" for the show's mean-ness, came out and just killed with "For Once in My Life," ending the classic with a jaw-dropping reprise that proved, for once in anyone's life, Bennett is, still and always, a giant.

Green Day did John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" and did it proud. Here's a band that has defied the odds, stayed together, cut its own path in the music business and is, if anything, even more musically adventurous and solid than they were when they first hit the scene. The arrangement was explosive, Billie Joe was heartbreaking, his voice a plaintive cry for an end to the horrors in Darfur.

The once and future "Idol" winner, Jordin Sparks, teamed up with former winner Ruben Studdard for "You're All I Need to Get By," and it was sweet.

On the other hand, Bette Midler showed up dressed like a deflated inner tube to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings," but she sounded as though she ran out of air. The Divine Miss M is going to be replacing Celine Dion in Vegas, and she has no greater fan in the world than me. But, wow, she sounded like Sylvia Brown, that froggy-voiced woman on "Montel" who tells you that your great-uncle just belched in heaven and that's why your chihuahua can't make for mommy.

Joe Perry rockin' out with Sanjaya was a kick, but, musically, Joe's partnership with prima "Idol" Kelly Clarkson on "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" sizzled.

Taylor Hicks was there, too. Nice to see ya, Soul Patrolman.

And then, after two hours, it was time for the moment of truth. I was texting with someone from the East coast at 7 p.m. Cali time. He said, Oh, Ryan is asking the judges who they think will win. I wrote back: Randy and Simon say Jordin, Paula says they both deserve it. And, of course, that's exactly what they said. I can only imagine Nate's comment on this *hehehe.

Yes, Jordin won and, in doing so, did the show a big favor. The ratings were going up and up every year but have been flat for the past two years. Truth to tell, this was a relatively lackluster group of contestants, once the final 24 emerged. But, as in past seasons, many of them grew. And many deserved to win. Jordin was the best of them.
I was so excited to deliver the news to Ate Erlynn and she replied, "Alam ko", Bakit mo alam? , "Nanood ako kanina umaga". Talking about being late *hehehe.

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Khar once asked me. "Bakit kelangan sa bi? bakit di sa straight?" It was one of those outings that we - BASTE'98 did and shared. Apart from the usual okrayan, inuman and magugulong games [charades, boy henyo] serious discussions cannot be forgotten. The question was just one of those... 'twas a complicated and too personal question but I really appreciated it. I guess I just felt like being offered an open door for me to better share my thoughts and feelings. I know this will help them understand what it's like... to be Superman and that it's not easy to be me *hehehe.

I'll then give an example...

It doesn’t matter how good your beef tenderloin is. Don’t try to sell it to a vegan store. In other words... when looking for the right client, consumer, distribution market, promotional venue…. always narrow-focus to only those who “get” you. In summary: Don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places. You’ll waste time and money and get your heart broken.

I wish this answers the question.

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Few days ago [let's call him] Clark gave me my 2nd session on iceskating [had the 1st one with JB]. And interestingly... the first thing I learned when learning to skate was NOT how to skate! [I thought nag-gagaling galingan lang siya or nag-tatalitalinuhan lang]... What my "skating instructor", Clark, first taught me was how to fall safely. He showed me if I must land on my butt, there's a safe way to land on my butt minus the literal basag na bungo. Ditto if I were to land on my side and toosh. Clark's goal: remove my fear of falling so when I finally was up on the skates, I'd feel safe to move my body freely. I'd be relaxed... able to have fun... and even feel comfy about trying risky, adventurous skating maneuvers because I'd know that no matter what might happen to me I'd fall down safely! Well, this same metaphor also applies big time to life. We all need to become confident in our abilities to deal with any crisis and/or obstacle that might surprise us so we can happily live the most courageous, risk- taking, adventurous juicy life possible. For this reason, I believe gaining trust in oneself to “land safely” in any situation is one of the most important lessons we need to self-teach ourselves if we want to pursue our passions and goals with the vigor needed to snag 'em! Do you believe in your ability to "land safely" in a relationship, a job situation, a creative venture? Sa relationship wala ako takot, or as my friends put it, play safe lang ako palagi or should I say insensitive? After few failed relationships, I remember writing a list to bolster my self-confidence about why should I know for a fact that no matter what happens to me, I'll have the vigor, cajones, smarts, and mindset to not only ride life's destructive factors... but fall safely if thrown... and stand up swiftly again for more fun and adventure! I guess that helped me face failure relationships better and be able to face life in a more positive way. I wish I can apply the same attitude in every aspect of my life... I'm still praying.

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Since we don't have that much leads to call on. I decided to sneak on using the internet while waiting for the next "American" to pick up the phone. I got this cool story so I thought of sharing it.

Once there was this guy [lemme re-name him AL para maganda] who was walking along the beach... when he saw what appeared to be a genie bottle in the sand. He bent down, and on a what-the-hell whim, rubbed the bottle. Sure enough a genie came floating out.

"Geez, it's claustrophobic in there," she said.

"Thanks for getting me out. In appreciation, I will grant you one wish."

"Hey! Isn't it three wishes?" AL asked.

"No, no, it's just one," said the genie.

"Hmm," said AL. "How about if I make my one wish that I get three wishes?"

"Sorry, honey," said the genie. "I'm onto that trick. It's just one wish. And while you're deciding, can I borrow your sunblock. It's so bright and hot out here."

Begrudgingly AL handed the genie his sunblock, while he pondered what one wish he wanted most. He could ask for a red Lambourghini. That would be fun. Or a mansion in Malibu wouldn't suck. Or a hunky guy to share the house and car with. No wait, he reminded himself, he could only pick one wish. Damn this genie. And that's when it hit him. HE FOUND A GENIE LOOPHOLE!

"You ready yet, honey?"the genie prodded him.

"Yes, I'm ready," said AL, "I now know what to ask for to get every wish I could ask for. My wish is to be happy. Because happiness is REALLY what I'm looking for in every wish I can think up. So when you grant me happiness I'll actually be getting everything I want in one wish."

"Not bad," said the genie. "You're a smart guy!"

"Thanks," said AL, "Oh, and I love your outfit!"

Then the genie tapped AL on his head with his sunblock, and AL got his wish. Voila. Happiness.

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Can you imagine using cockroach's ordeal as a career tip? I know, I've posted once here of my "weird friendship" with the kind. I don't know if I'm being insane but posting one again that includes it wont hurt, wouldn't it? Try to read on, you might learn something *hehehe. So either you hate it or love it. Don't worry, I'll try not to meddle...

The cockroach has managed to survive everything nature and man has thrown at him for millions of years: pesticides, predators, radiation, volcanoes, floods...you name it. You must be like a cockroach when it comes to selling your talents to the world. No matter how many times you get sprayed with doubt, insults, sneaky competitors, slurs, sudden changes in the marketplace… after each and every seemingly lethal spray of negativity, you must wipe off your antennae.... then keep on going. Indeed, you must use each spray as a spirit strengthener to build up a stronger tolerance for dealing with future sprays of negativity. You must refuse to die.

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Di talaga ako maka - American Idol dati, maybe because I never had the chance to completely follow each episode. But ever since we moved in to our new apartment [not to discredit Ate Erlynn, Ingrid and Roan's of course!], I started to indulge more on TV programs, one of which is American I dol. My bet? sparky Jordin.. who else?

Last night, the show went on backtracking how rigid the competition and qualification had been... 100,000 down with 2 to go. It was the night we have all been waiting for since auditions began in January and tomorrow night "WE" [*feeling] crown our champion but first Blake and Jordin will go head to head each singing 3 songs including the Idol Single. Who will be the winner tomorrow night? My money so as Nate's is on Jordin but anything can and could happen as it has happened in previous weeks. Ladies and Gents, sit back, relax and enjoy the finale.

Song Selections
1) Favorite Performance
2) Idol Single
3) New Song/ Performance

Round 1

Name : Blake Lewis
Song Title : You Give Love a Bad Name [Favorite Performance]
Judges Thoughts : [R] I give you a 10 out of 10 on the beat boxing, the singing was just all right. [P] You outdid yourself. I wish I give you more than a 10. [S] Not the best singer in the competition but you are the best performer. The singing was a bit flat but it doesn’t matter, it was your best performance.
Mine : I wasn’t a fan of this performance the first time around and hearing it a second time didn’t change my mind. No doubt Blake has talent and what he did with the song is truly amazing. He could sell that as a single tomorrow and make money, it just isn’t my thing. I love the beatbox antics though.

Name : Jordin Sparks
Song Title : Fighter [New Performance]
Judges Thoughts : [R] Interesting night tonight. Not your greatest entertainment thing but your voice was stellar. [P] Knew it would be the best finale ever. You were stellar. [S] Great you chose a younger song but the vocals were a bit shrieky in the middle. Round 1 to Blake.
Mine : Hated it. It was nice to see Jordin stay away from old fashioned and try something new but it wasn’t the right song choice.

Round 2

Name : Blake Lewis
Song Title : She Will Be Loved [New Performance]
Judges Thoughts : [R] Great song and a very nice vocal. Very nice. [P] The first number is done. You sounded great, relaxed. [S] It was good. It was safe. It wasn’t as good as the first performance and I wouldn’t have chose that song for the final.
Mine : His Maroon 5 performance from the other night was so much better. Maybe its just being in the Kodak Theater but the vocals just don’t sound right tonight.

Name : Jordin Sparks
Song Title : A Broken Wing [Favorite Performance]
Judges Thoughts : [R] I have loved you since day 1. The most talented 17 year old. Better than the original, flawless. [P] You are a great vocal voice tonight. [S] Now that was good.
Mine : That was the Jordin I like. Not the Christina Aguilera wannabe. Just a beautiful vocal. Maybe a little country would suit her career well.

Round 3

Name : Blake Lewis
Song Title : This Is My Now [Idol Single]
Judges Thoughts : [R] You did a pretty good job with it. [P] I think you have a great voice and you did a great job on the song. [S] I thought it was a little odd, all the jumping around. Not a bad song just not something you would sing.
Mine : One of the better Idol Single songs. Nice to see the fans get to cash in on American Idol, too bad it seemed Blake was off the entire song. Either that or there was some sort of technical difficulties. That performance wouldn’t shit at a county fair. Poor way for Blake to close.

Name : Jordin Sparks
Song Title : This Is My Now [Idol Single]
Judges Thoughts : [R] You were the best singer tonight. You deserve it all. [P] You make me proud. You have a lot to be proud of. [S] Last week I didn’t think you were good enough to make the finals and publicly I want to say now I was wrong. You just wiped the floor with Blake on that song.
Mine : The Idol Single round by far goes to Jordin. Of course it is a song more geared for her voice versus Blake’s but still this is for all the marbles. Way to go Jordin.

My Round 1 Winner : Blake Lewis
My Round 2 Winner : Jordin Sparks
My Round 3 Winner : Jordin Sparks

My Pick to Win : Jordin Sparks

There you have it. The performances are complete. It is all in the Americans hands [sana puwede din tayo bumoto no?]. Who will be crowned American Idol and who will be sent home? It’s anyones game at this point and I think the numbers will be close. I do think that Jordin will pull off the victory.

You may leave your thoughts pipol.

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I played Monopoly again after like 8 years. [?] You think it’s weird? It is actually quite a nicely structured game of strategy disguised as child's play. And I get evil when I get competitive. I should realize I can't play those kinds of games outside my very tight circle of friends who also happen to be like me and therefore understand. [*hehehe] I realize that sometime in the future, with the kind of environment I have, my life is going to resemble the general point of Monopoly. Buy out all the properties and reap the cash from all the poor bastards who couldn't get in as fast as you. Yay! I’m so looking forward to that. Or maybe not?

And that's it.

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Warning, this is one of those stream of consciousness posts that I often edit and/or erase later, but I just gotta figure shit out by writing.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships, and not just romantic ones. I've come to realize that each person has the potential to bring out a certain aspect of ourselves. By that I mean that when a relationship ends, you lose more than just the relationship, but you also lose a sense of your self. Because who I am with one person, is unique to who I am with somebody else. It's not that I'm faking it or changing myself, it's just that different people bring out different parts of my identity - for better or for worse.

After the break up I obviously had to grieve the loss of the romantic relationship, once I got through that stage I really had to grieve the loss of our friendship, and to some degree I'm still getting over the loss of the friendship - he was after all, my best friend for 5 months. However, as of late, I've realized yet another stage to that grief, and that is, grieving the loss of who I was when I was with him. Because who I was with him is not like who I am with anybody else in my life. So it's as though I'm having to grieve a part of myself that has been lost. However, a lot of those parts are things I didn't even like about myself. I mean, he and I did at times have a great relationship, and I do credit a lot of my success and drive to him, he continually challenged me and made me a stronger, better person. But, that was definitely not always the case. He also brought out sides of me that I honestly don't exhibit with anybody else. I had been conditioned to think that's just who I was. But now that I have a year's worth of hindsight between us, I am not seeing any of those traits exhibited in any of my other relationships. It's encouraging and refreshing to know that I'm not insecure, paranoid, or jealous. Those traits existed within the confines of that relationship, not me as a person.

I've recently been exchanging emails with an old “close” friend, and we have both been making amends for things that destroyed our friendship. While I can't place the blame entirely on my ex because I made the decisions that I did on my own, I am able to recognize the role he unintentionally played in all of that. It was nothing deliberate on his part. I don't mean to imply that, it was more the effect that his presence in my life had on how I approached other relationships, if that makes sense.

During the relationship stage, I've kinda become that "drifter". You know, the one who floats between different groups. I really like it, I have my work friends, I have my hayskul school friends, I have few friends back from places I stayed before, I've got random people met. And for the most part, my social spheres do not collide, I keep them very separate. This has allowed me to really analyze my friendships with people. Each group here brings out different sides of my personality, and I kinda use each group for different purposes. I don't mean use as in manipulate or anything like that, but rather use, in the sense of uses and gratifications. I get a different sense of gratification with the different groups of friends. And they are all important and necessary and know me on different levels.

Anyway, none of these groups or people really brings out in me who I was when I was with him. In fact, I don't have that relationship with anybody; nobody knows me that completely or has known me for that long. And at times I really miss those parts of me, the positive ones, but I am also so glad to see that the negative parts have died. Now as far as romantic relationships go, yea, nothing I have now is even similar to what I had. I think this is in part because I have no idea what I really want in a romantic relationship right now. I say I just want fun and casual, do I? Or is that just a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of commitment and I'm afraid of being hurt again? I don't think so entirely. I really like the control that I have in my relationships now and I am enjoying the freedom to do anything and be with anyone without the restrictions of a relationship [*been there...done that...].

I guess I'm just having to evaluate what parts of my identity each person brings out in me and decide which are positive and which aren't, and which are priceless or unique to that relationship, and which are generic. Until then, I really have no idea what I want in a romantic relationship, so I go for something easy, fun, and to a certain degree, one that I am in control of. But by choosing this, am I somehow passing up opportunities at something greater or more fulfilling? I don't know... I guess at times I'm equally as scared of hurting other people as I am of getting hurt. I kinda feel like no matter what I choose right now, somebody will get hurt...

I don't know if this is making sense, I guess I just feel like my identity is more fragmented than it has been since I was maybe a freshmen or sophomore in college. Not that I'm going through some sort of identity crisis, because I'm very secure in who I am, but rather, I just feel that each person here only knows a certain side of my identity rather than the whole picture. And that is something I haven't experienced in many years. I guess that comes with the territory when you grew up and moved and changed your whole life.

All I know is that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, and maybe that means keeping people at a bit of a distance, because I'm in more control of my emotions. So c'est la vie...

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Hello there, welcome to this wonde-rous day they call "Friday". Oh yes, approximately 20 more hours until the weekend -- I hope I can last.

I'm in somewhat of a good mood today, for some reason unbeknown to me -- but hey, beats being in a bad mood!

Today feels like one of those days where I'm going to stare at the digital clock in the bottom right of my desktop ALL day, anxiously awaiting 9am. Hirap bumenta!

Yesterday, I accompanied my cousin Ninay with her Ate Elain and Marlyn [?] in tow sa pagpapa-enroll sa SACI [dating UDMC]. It was pretty tiring considering that I just came out from work that time. Whew! talking about the amazona capabilities *he he he. I missed them so much. Been quite a while since their last visit. Maybe that's one reason I feel good. Yeah! Siguro nga.

So... it's the weekend, and I somewhat doubt I'll be making posts on the weekend -- but you never know, you might be plesantly surpised -- [kat?] I understand you're anxiously awaiting a new post. Who wouldn't, with such compelling and controversial reading? Infatuated?

You know, infatuation is such a strange thing. The definition of infatuation is: foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration. Wow, that's so true -- the operative word being FOOLISH. It really is incredible how your emotions can play tricks on you. One day, you can see yourself marrying some girl, imagining how she's so perfect for you, *blah, blah, blah. THEN [drum rolls], your eyes are opened and you realise how incredibly deceived you were. I however, do believe that infatuation is inevitable and eventually grows into love. Thankfully, in my case, the infatuation died before it could even turn into anything more than an attraction. Anyways, that's more than enough of a dive into my personal life.

Well, that's that for this mornings' entry. Ya'll have yourselves a splendid day now and leave some comments for goodness sakes! And hey! a treat to TGI Fridays wont hurt...

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Yesterday, in my "random notes" post, I mentioned having a serious "blog crush" on Chris Clarke, who publishes Creek Running North and edits Earth Island Journal.

Not unreasonably, John asked:

...what is a "blog crush"?

Am I right in saying you've never met the man? Gay!

A troll made a comment, since deleted, insinuating that my blog crush on Chris was evidence of latent homosexuality. That's not worth responding to I know, and who said I'm straight? but John's query is.

Lots of folks in the blogosphere use the phrase "blog crush".[If someone can tell me with certainty who coined the term, I'd be happy to assign credit!] As I understand it and use it, a "blog crush" refers to a profound degree of admiration, intellectual attraction, and a certain desire to emulate the writing style [or life habits] of the blogger on whom you are crushing.

In my post about "student crushes", I wrote that in my experience, crushes on teachers are rarely about actual sexual desire. I wrote:

We don't just get crushes on people whom we want, we get crushes on people whom we want to be like! Some don't get crushes on me or you because they want to go to bed with us or be our partner or buddy; they get crushes on us because we have a quality that they want to bring out in themselves.

And that's also what I mean by a "blog crush." I may not be that young anymore [a milestone I eagerly anticipate], but I still occasionally find myself idolizing, in a breathlessly adolescent way, certain inspirational people whom I encounter in person or in cyberspace. I call that a "crush". While crushes can have a sexual or a romantic component to them, those qualities are not essential to a crush. A crush is about idealization, even when that idealization is tempered [as it ought to be at my age] by a realistic understanding of human nature.

When I first met an old pastor at MBC, I immediately "crushed" on him... Did I -- do I -- want to sleep with him? No! At my age, with both men and women, I'm able to separate a "crush" from its sexual and romantic aspects. But I loved listening to his sermons. I wanted to know everything about his life, how he lived, how he thought, how his marriage worked, what his favorite sport was, who his own heroes were. I wanted to be near him, and to meet with him as often as possible. I didn't want him sexually, but I saw in him qualities I was eager to bring out in myself. I knew that like me, he was just another flawed human being -- but even in his human brokenness, I could see something glorious shining through and I wanted to be near that as often as possible. I call that "crushing."

I could call it hero-worship, except that I am leery of using the word "worship" for anything other than God. I didn't worship that Pastor, and I don't worship Chris Clarke. Worship implies a hierarchical relationship that I don't think is present in the kind of crushes I'm talking about here. "Crush" is a useful noun [and verb] because it captures the giddy admiration of the experience.

And I also use "crush", frankly, to play around. I am happily connected to my friends. They're wonderful, beautiful people in whom I delight and who delight in me. That said, I recognize we live in a world where there is an extraordinary amount of anxiety about male-male attraction. Heterosexual men have a very hard time acknowledging their love for, or "crushes" [in the sense I use the term] on, other guys...

I have a "blog crush" on Chris Clarke because he writes beautifully. He writes poetry and prose well, but there is a beauty in the grace with which he lives his life -- and in the values he embodies -- that I respond to instinctively. Obviously, I have never met the man. I suppose he could be a fraud, creating a false self on his blog page. In that case, I have a "blog crush" on a phantom! But I suspect he is who he seems to be. And his grace, his earthiness, his gift for language, his commitment to the environment are all things I deeply admire. And as a consequence, I'm crushing on him, big-time.

Does anyone else get what I'm talkin' about here?

I've fairly admitted from previous posts who and what I am, the sexual preference and the world I live in, so if reading my blog is creating a stir on your "pea size brain" and complicates your life, there's an easier way out, END your life.

*my new mantra? Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

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