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> LosinG a frIend : PersOnaL 9/11s
Author: aLmich
Note: this post will be written in two parts-- will start today and the next will be after everything is settled. Relatively sober, after deciding that even though this verges on kind of personal, and not necessarily very funny, I'm not going to throw it out. I'm going to make myself finish it, and that's where we begin...I'm writing this post at 11:18 on a Thursday morning. This marks two firsts in my blogging history. Number one, it's the first time I've ever posted this early [considering my work shift], and number two, it's the first time I've ever written something about losing a friend.
So why this departure from the norm? Well, because last night when I was out, my friends and I talked about a very personal matter. A very personal matter that I want to share with you right now. So you can just imagine how we were trying to defy the Embassy crowd. While everybody's enjoying and oulsating with the lights and the sounds the bar offers, we're on serious talk. Whew! We talked about our personal 9/11s.
Right now you may be wondering what a personal 9/11 is. Maybe. However, if you've experienced one, you know. Everybody who's ever been in love... or more specifically, everybody who's ever loved and lost... has been through a personal 9/11. It's the moment when everything changes forever. The moment that there's no coming back from. The moment where you lose faith, you're hit hard and you're reeling. Wondering how you got to that point and what could possibly come next. It's the worst feeling in the world. Well, it's one of them.
Now, I don't want to mislead. I think I need to be a little more specific as to what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about the moment in a relationship when you realize things aren't going to work. That moment's not nearly as devastating. And I'm not talking about the actual breakup either. Even that's easier to deal with. I'm talking about what happens when you lose a FRIEND YOU THOUGHT A TRUE FRIEND that you fully trusted.
Not every friendship leads to this type of moment. Thank god. Although I lost this 1 now as he joined the last 1 that I unregrettably lost. Even if you've been lucky enough to have more than one great friendship in your lifetime, there's still that one that you always come back to. That one that pops up in your head time and time again. No matter how much time passes or no matter how much you think you've grown. There they are. That's the one who's responsible for your personal 9/11. That's the one who committed a jihad against your heart, which is not only cruel, but also one hell of a Country song title.
The nice thing about these moments is that there's not a gender bias. It can happen to men, it can happen to women. The only difference is that if you lose your friend assaulting you or you simply lost him/her because he found new people to be with. Tomatoes, tomatoes. It's all the same.
Me, my first personal 9/11 came almost 2 years ago. In a bitchy form. And yes, I was really hurt. In fact, I pulled off a rare personal 9/11 trifecta-- it started at her gossips, climaxed with a friend informing me what she was doing to betray me, and the denoument involved an awkward cup of coffee in a very public place full of tears. If only I would have had those schematics back in '05, maybe this whole thing could have been avoided. But probably not.
Because you can't avoid it. It's bigger than you. Even if everything points to it being a bad idea-- your gut, your friends, that crazy little thing called "logic"-- it doesn't matter. I have to accept it that some people are created from hell, bitchy and witchy. It's the grown up equivalent to -
"evil comes in beautiful package ; good face, boobs, hair etc... but all the same evil"
Far removed from that night-- both in time and emotionally, I know it was a good thing. It is a good thing. It gives you that closure that a breakup doesn't. I remember listening to the radio one night riding a cab to Ortigas, where the DJ said "friends are made up of people who care about each other and some who pretends to care the same". Which is totally true. We do. That is, until you have that personal 9/11 moment. That's when your pass gets denied. Done. Thanks for playing. But unlike other friendships, when you're talking about that IMPORTANT one, this is how it has to end. Or it won't end. There's a reason they're important.
It is important because this time aound, what I feel is that I was betrayed yet I don't wanna react. I don't want to entertain the negative thoughts. But still, I lost him and he joined her. I'm hurting because I sacrificed for him. He knows my dilemma and yet he added to the fire. Now, I'll be gone, it's aching but I know I can get through this. It's a consolation knowing that my TRUE friends are just waiting to be recognized once again.
Do I regret my personal 9/11? Yes and no. Looking back, I wish I wasn't that careless standing by him. While the event was completely necessary, I wish I would have handled myself a little better. I think that sometimes, but then I realize No. That's impossible. That's not what it's about. When you decide to make that jump you can't expect to control anything as you're falling to the ground. You just have to hope that it doesn't hurt too much when you land.
And even if it does, guess what. That's not going to stop you from getting back on that edge again if you have the opportunity.
Some people never learn.
Some friends are created just that.
