ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

It has been going on for quite so long now. I really can’t get a good sleep. I already have signed “written warning” escalation from work because of tardiness. I tried reading books but I can’t understand any. I tried taking some meds but hell-what-the-hell, really no effect!

After all desperate attempts and bugging H about my ordeal, he suggested that I come over his place and watch DVD with his all caps - JUST STOP TEXTING! I was reluctant to watch the movie - The Bucket List at first. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman sounded quite boring and too melodramatic for my ears. H insisted and demanded a review here. With so much love, I obliged [hehehe].

The movie operates on the hope that two beloved stars rubbing their signature screen personas together can spark warm, fuzzy box office magic. I didn’t count on it. Stars or no, it is an open question whether audiences will flock to a preposterous, putatively heartwarming buddy comedy about two men diagnosed with terminal cancer living it up in their final months.

Sitting atop of one of the Egyptian pyramids, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as terminally ill cancer patients, engage in a sentimental philosophical chat about life and loss. The two have decided to travel around the globe, doing whatever the heck they want; they can afford it since the Nicholson character is a billionaire CEO. The first thing to say about The Bucket List is that Rob Reiner is the rare director who can take all the wonder out of one of the seven wonders of the world. The way that the pyramid they’re sitting on is lit and shot, it looks completely fake, and the one in the distance could be a rear-projection backdrop. The second thing to observe is that the conversation might be taking place almost anywhere — in a coffee shop, say, or back in the dingy hospital room where Nicholson, as an aging playboy with four ex-wives, and Freeman, as a mechanic who has spent his life sacrificing for his family, first met, discovered that they had absolutely nothing in common, and decided to bond over their tragic illnesses and become friends anyway.

The biggest surprise of The Bucket List is how casually it treats the whole ”bucket list” of wild-things-to-do-before-we-die concept. It’s fun, for two minutes, to see Nicholson and Freeman jumping out of a plane, but once they’ve gotten tattoos and raced vintage cars [to the cloying been-there-heard-that accompaniment of ZZ Top's ''Tush''], the movie is already scraping the bottom of the bucket. Basically, they spend the rest of the time doing disease-of-the-week buddy-movie therapy against the backdrop of world landmarks. Nicholson has the benefit of playing a rascal so self-centered he veers into unpleasantness, but Freeman, as the brilliant working-class autodidact whose one ”flaw” is that his marriage suffered from empty-nest syndrome, reminds us once again that it’s long past time this actor played someone who isn’t a saint. If he and Jack had traded roles, there might have been one thing about the drably tender Bucket List that surprised you.“The Bucket List” is rated PG-13 [Parents strongly cautioned]. It has off-color dialogue.

After the movie, H asked me… You, what’s your Bucket List? Which I replied - Don’t ask me that, lalaki lalo ulo mo.

Eto si Lanie, ang aming Call Center Manager, na very-preggy sa anak nila ni Shoti, na dati kong shota [harharhar]…

Did this for her phone’s wallpaper and friendster’s background.

Labyu Lanie! mwah! mwah!

Pasko na nga ba? Not really. I just felt it when H and I went to shop last weekend and earlier today. We bought gifts for his relatives and friends already. That is the only time I felt its already Christmas because there are so many people around doing their Christmas shopping. But other than that, wala.

I just feel sad because you cannot feel the old Christmas spirit anymore. Those times we were kids when shopping was not really important. Caroling was the main focus of kids, eagerly awaiting December 16th. I miss the old times when Christmas decorations did not consist of huge, expensive “parols” bought from Pampanga or Gilmore Street but of a simple parol made of papel de Hapon. The parol-making competition sa Baste, simbang gabi, Christmas parties and everything that is very “pasko sa Mindoro”. Christmas is so commercialized nowadays. If you don’t have enough money, your Christmas is doomed. That’s the idea injected in our minds.

I noticed that in our neighborhood, only 3 houses, including ours, put up Christmas lights and parol. How sad no? When before, after November 2, decorations are in full swing already. Now, it’s already November 14 and yet people are not yet in the Christmas mood.

Ask them why and only one answer will they give you…

Wala kasing pera.

Didn’t they know that with or without money we can all celebrate Christmas? It need not be an expensive celebration. We just have to go back to basic and celebrate it because of the Lord. A simple parol will do. It need not be an expensive one. Banderitas will do. And some Christmas songs blasting from the neighbor’s radio will do the trick.

Wait, come to think of it, do you hear Christmas songs being played on the radio?

Come on, let’s start spreading the Christmas spirit.

Here’s my nephew very much anticipating Christmas.

Bakit? Ano ba meron? Kailan? Hanggang? Pede ba to?

So, when you read that title, did you automatically draw a conclusion in your mind about what a “skeptic” is? Did that word have a negative or a positive connotation in your mind?

There will always be times where you’ll feel dumb, uncertain, needs confirmation, needs help. I must admit, when it first occurred to me to write about skepticism this morning, I was thinking about those people who never trust anything unless they have proof; those people who want to live in what they KNOW, not what might be possible; those people who won’t support anything new; people who are basically difficult to have a conversation with because they question the logic of every idea. For me, the word had a negative connotation.

But when I looked up the meaning of the word in my trusty dictionary.com, I found out that the definition is:

One who instinctively or habitually doubts, questions, or disagrees with assertions or generally accepted conclusions.

And I discovered that I am a skeptic.

I’ve always been a questioner. As far back as I can remember, I had to know why things were the way they were, and whether or not they had to be that way. I really don’t believe I was trying to be difficult - I was just curious.

But the older I got, the more I began to understand that questions didn’t always have answers, and the people to whom I was addressing my questions didn’t want to appear uninformed or unintelligent, so they encouraged me to stop asking questions. Whether this was in school, at work, or even at home, I remember the effect of my questions on my teachers and parents, and I remember that I slowly began to shut up - at least on the outside.

But now I wonder, where would we be in our world of science, religion, education, business without those people who “instinctively doubt, question or disagree with generally accepted conclusions”?

Maybe for me the hangup has been with the context in this definition provided by the word “habitually.” Even the “right” thing done for the “wrong” reasons is still “wrong,” right?

Was I asking questions all my life just to be difficult? Was it a habit? I don’t think so. I’d like to get beyond my own preconceived notions and concepts of what constitutes skepticism and trust my own gut and instincts. Maybe that’s why I asked other people for the answer - because I didn’t trust my own knowing. Maybe I wanted validation. Maybe I just wanted to be acknowledged. Maybe I just wanted attention. I’d like to think those reasons for being curious evolved as I evolved throughout my life.

Maybe people have to be skeptical as they’re learning things in their lives. Maybe it’s their conditioning that turns them from intuitive skeptics into habitual skeptics. Let’s not let past perceptions - others’ or our own - keep us from questioning.

So let’s get back out there and be curious. Ask questions. Challenge the status quo. But don’t be afraid to look inside yourself for the answers.

Skeptics unite!

*Sigh

Everybody’s in a pressure cabin now. Everybody’s getting too sensitive. Everybody’s freaking out of nowhere. Everybody’s just not them right now. And I understand that.

The day made me realize things. I stopped on what I was doing, breathed and decided to write.

How do you deal with misconceptions? Some days you let it slide because, well, it is afterall a misconception, and you figure, hey, they’ll figure it out eventually and if not, good riddance.

It seems directly proportionate to the amount you feel about and for someone to how much their misunderstanding of you will affect you. The more you care about them, the more you care what they think. The less you care, the less frustrated you are when they get it wrong.

I’m finding that I’ve spent the greater part of my congnizant life being misunderstood and mislabeled…from the time my parents refused to understand why I would cry for no reason and told me to simply cut it out [maybe it was in fact depression],to my adulthood and the relationships I’ve attempted to have who did not and never would have the capacity to understand someone like me.

I think that sometimes people misunderstand because to understand might cause them greater pain or confusion. I think that sometimes people misunderstand because they’re afraid to really comprehend another person or another belief or another culture or another preference. Fear can drive people to do some pretty fucked up things. Maybe misunderstanding someone is just another way to hide from that fear and from the reality it presents. It’s easier to simply misunderstand and play dumb. It’s easier to not quite get it right because to get it or someone right requires too much work.

People rebel against being misunderstood. People kick and scream and cry and suffer and fall apart. All because they are misunderstood. People act out against it, write songs and poems in protest–anything to get their misunderstood voice out there so that maybe someday someone will understand. People speak up and out in desperation, as a last ditch effort, because they have nowhere else to turn, because they have to do something. So that there’s a record of them being misunderstood and what it really all comes down to is perspective. And no perspective is a Truth.

And sometimes people blog about it. Blog about the loneliness that being misunderstood brings. About the isolation and the alienation. Even misunderstood people need the chance to be accepted and loved and understood.

Because we are different, we are misunderstood. By default, we are misunderstood. We are brought up to be misunderstood and to misunderstand. And the disconnects keep getting easier and easier to commit.

I’m feeling misunderstood and I’m blogging about it. Not to be understood. Not about which I am misunderstood. Not to be on some sort of psuedo record of being misunderstood. Blogging because it is a lonely feeling indeed even though I know I’m not the only one.

Soooo, I’ve been over-inundated with work lately and have been a poor blogger, so I will attempt to add a good bunch of fun posts for you all to enjoy. I will make every effort to avoid the computer while I’m off work, so therefore will not be enlightening you with my obscene witticisms and off-color antecdotes. Sorry…

Kiko requested for me to write something about him and Jc. I really want to but I can’t still find the right words to even start. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I just hope I won’t be forced to write so quick just to announce something bad as their actions insinuate. Guys, take care of your relationship.

So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying. I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone as I monitor agents, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night. I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unaware and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response. It gets me every time. Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?

Funny enough, the adjective used for me is “genuine”. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time. I’m genuinely a good lover [insert pat on the back here] I’m genuinely a good partner. I genuinely pursue the goals I have set for myself. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind. Maybe that’s what it means. Also, what you see is what you get. I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks. It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that. It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.

When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I froze. I saw pictures of us in an Andy Warhol-type portrait. What particular thing makes one love another person? Is it a chemical balance? Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right? Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are? I have NO CLUE.

I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time. It feels great, and I’d like to believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love despite all the hardships and troubles I’m encountering. I guess time will tell how it all plays out.

Soooo, I’ve been over-inundated with work lately and have been a poor blogger, so I will attempt to add a good bunch of fun posts for you all to enjoy. I will make every effort to avoid the computer while I’m off work, so therefore will not be enlightening you with my obscene witticisms and off-color antecdotes. Sorry…

Kiko requested for me to write something about him and Jc. I really want to but I can’t still find the right words to even start. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I just hope I won’t be forced to write so quick just to announce something bad as their actions insinuate. Guys, take care of your relationship.

So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying. I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone as I monitor agents, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night. I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unaware and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response. It gets me every time. Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?

Funny enough, the adjective used for me is “genuine”. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time. I’m genuinely a good lover [insert pat on the back here] I’m genuinely a good partner. I genuinely pursue the goals I have set for myself. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind. Maybe that’s what it means. Also, what you see is what you get. I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks. It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that. It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.

When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I froze. I saw pictures of us in an Andy Warhol-type portrait. What particular thing makes one love another person? Is it a chemical balance? Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right? Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are? I have NO CLUE.

I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time. It feels great, and I’d like to believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love despite all the hardships and troubles I’m encountering. I guess time will tell how it all plays out.

Would you date the exact you?

The problem with you, you always compare yourself to me. What you can do, what I can’t, What you want, what I don’t… why don’t you clone yourself and let that shitty clone be your boyfriend?

Those were the exact words. Maybe I’m really being so demanding and inconsiderate. I always make an excuse by saying, you made me to be like this. You pushed me to be like this. Blah, blah, blah…

There is a major issue, especially in the gay community, but also in the straight community. It seems that no matter who you are, you want the perfect partner? Someone who is attractive. Someone who is pleasant to be around. Intelligent. Funny. Has money and a great job. Has a sense of spiritualism. Is comfortable with himself or herself. Yes, we want the perfect partner… all of us.

I do quite a bit of chatting online in the gay chat rooms, and whenever someone starts talking about how hard it is to find the perfect guy, I try to ask the same question: Would you date yourself?

In other words, are you the perfect guy [or gal] that you always talk about wanting? Are you attractive, or do you fundamentally feel that you’re entitled to someone that is more attractive than you are? Are you pleasant to be around, or do you think you should date someone who is more pleasant than you? You say you want someone to cuddle with you on the couch, but how often do you hold your friends when they’re hurting? You want a brilliant scientist or musician, but are you brilliant? Do you want someone who is more intelligent than you? In other words, do you want the perfect partner despite the fact that you are not the perfect partner?

I would ask you this next question? I promise, it’s not a trick question. What do you offer someone who would date or marry you? Are you a good listener? Are you very attractive and good in bed? Do you have interesting and intelligent things to say? What makes you a good partner?

Now, what are the areas that make you not so great? Are these things that you can work on?

The point of this is not to berate you for aiming high; in fact, I think that’s far better than settling on someone that is not compatible with you. But I have found based on my own experience, that when I am focused wholly on my own pain, I cannot focus on the pain of others. When I am focused on others, that is when I can see the world focusing back on me, and I find I think about myself even less when I am happy.

So I propose this challenge to you: Make a list of all those things that you want in your partner, and then BE those things. Often, we want our partners to have characteristics that we lack ourselves so that we feel like a whole person when we’re with him or her. If, however, we are all the things that we want in a partner, then we can focus on whether or not we simply like the person that we’re interested in rather than trying to get a resume of traits and experience that we can proud of in them.

You see, I am a whole person, with or without a relationship. So are you! Do you believe that? It’s true. You are a whole person even outside a relationship. If you can take the time to focus on improving and loving yourself, then you will not be so obsessed over when you will find a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, or wife. You will be happy in the moment. You will be happy with yourself.

I proposed a challenge above. I hope you will take me up on it. Make that list and be brave in making it! If you want a supermodel, then write it down. A college professor. Someone who listens. Then write it down, and be all those things. We learn from quantum physics [I think] that like energy attracts like energy. Although we have always heard that opposites attract, often that is not the case! Attractive people tend to end up with other attractive people. Educated people tend to have relationships with other educated people. Weak spiritual people are often with other weak spiritual people. That is why I have said it is so important to be the person you would want to date.

You will never be perfect; no one is. And that’s a good thing because you will always have room for improvement. Use that as an opportunity to continue to grow, and when you have grown enough, that special someone who has also been growing might show up in your life. Then you can have that fantastic relationship. Until then, use your time wisely rather than wallowing in pain from loneliness.

Sorry Beb. Mwah!