ramblings, random musings, fascinations, rants, raves and revelations

I’m a little bit sensitive at times and I know that. I try to control it but the recent weekend got the best of me.

I have different groups of friends. Friends from the province, due to preference, online and office friends. And there’s what I call the closest of them all which is of course my kababata - we have been friends and classmates from Kinder to High School and one group also that composes JC, Ron, Jay, Guise and the rest of the Babylon gang. But for the past few weeks, I took time to know and be close to some of my office friends.

We were together when we had an out-of-town trip to Zambales, after that I really got too involved with almost everyone. It just hurts me badly because all the while I though we have really built good friendship. Not that I don’t have people to accompany me through the weekend [because that rarely happens - there would always be Ralf, Jc or Jay to ask me out] but the thought of at least being invited to whatever they were planning would really mean so much. Even before I went home that day, I kept on asking Mia…di ba talaga tayo kasali? Di ako nagmamakaawa pero pabalat bunga lang ini-expect ko that time. All just seemed too weird then. Uh well, maybe I expected too much. I don’t wanna demand for anything but I guess I should also be thankful because they have insinuated the real score between us.

I went from being hurt to being pissed in just few seconds.

I’m sitting here, still feeling waves of untempered emotion rumble back and forth in my heart. I had a restless night that Saturday. Was thinking what I must have done wrong then. Good thing I had one of those conversations with Jc, so I sucked it in, tried to remember all of the good things I have to be thankful for.

The title of my blog is heart to hurt, that means my intention is to write the raw-uncut version of what goes on in my heart. I’m secure enough to know, most of us battle with the same stuff. You may not be letting anyone close enough to your life to see the struggles when they happen- but we all smoke and sputter at times because we’re human.

I’m not sure where to go with this post. Just writing it out has helped defuse a lot of my anger or should I say bitterness. Hurt [for me] doesn’t stay hurt for very long. It quickly ferments into a low grade anger.

Most of us leave a trail of burnt bridges. Some of them needed to be burnt… abusive toxic relationships…

Others, we burn because we’re hurt and it feels good to strike back. The only problem with that is, sooner or later, in virtually every close relationship, there are going to be misunderstandings. The closer you get to another person, the more likely it is, one of you is going to say or do something to hurt the other person- and there’s a good chance they won’t even know it. Do I want to get to the end of my life- pretty much alone, due to my habit of torching relationships the first or third time the other person did something to upset me? I have that option, and I’ve done it… I’ve also forgiven my friends when maybe someone else would have walked away, and those relationships feel that much richer and deeper because of it. Thanks for listening to an old fool vent.

We as humans are wired to connect, and when we are abandoned everything inside of us rises up screaming. As for me? I’ll continue to write whatever I feel here and will enjoy it immensely.

People who don’t have knowledge of what really happened maybe puzzled because I tried to be vague on details. Or you might ask me where the entry is heading… let me tell you this then… this is one of those random rants I’m writing just to ease out the pain. I need not go into specifics. I just want to write.