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> ako aY piLipinO
Author: aLmich
When we talk about Lea Salonga, Manny Pacquaio, Banig Roberto, Nichole of PSD, Apple [?] of Black Eyed Peas, Charice Pempengco, Sam Concepcion and the likes, we can’t help but feel proud.
The other day, Nathan and I talked about working overseas. The hassles and difficulties, the discriminations and how we should consider waiting for better paying jobs since we have waited long already. We talked about Roan who’s in Qatar now.
I don’t have the figures to prove my point. I have no doubt though that many of my countrymen will agree that we Filipinos are notorious for being extremely proud of our racial heritage. I don’t know but it comes out naturally. The mere suggestion of an insult directed to anything Filipino would be enough to raise an uproar of such cataclysmic proportions that the poor hapless critic can soon expect to equate his life with standing naked under a hail storm. Don’t you dare!
This is why I now wonder what fellow Filipinos think of the country’s description in Uncyclopedia. For those who have no idea what the site is about, just imagine Wikipedia on a perpetual drinking spree with psychotropic drugs on the side. The result is an acidic, witty and impertinent view of everything under the sun and beyond it. You might even find it humorous if you’re not in it.
Filipinos [or Pinoys, as they prefer to call themselves] have a pair of eyes, ears and nostrils, two arms and legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things, and they can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. At home, a Filipino family’s hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.
To get a Filipino’s attention, just say “Hoy!”, or “Psstttt!”, or “Pssst uyy!!!”. If this approach fails, yell “DOG!” and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying “WHERE?!”
They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken away from a Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine. Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.
Rules on Being a Filipino
Be shameful of your heritage and language, be a clone of an American.
Any Caucasian or American is God [even if they rape your daughter].
Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs [never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOLZ]
Avoid trailer parks.
Beware of “evil demons”.
Beware of dwarves.
Act black.
Elect actors and actresses into public office then clap your hands.
Believe in superstitious bullshit.
If you’re a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
Always climb a volcano.
When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
Ditch utensils!!! Eat with your hands, dammit!
Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you’re not Christian.
Where to find Filipinos
Love hotels
Under mountain hats
In volcanoes
For males: in a white girls ass
For females: the hospital
In villages with small houses
In the ghetto fo sho
Under rocks, trees, volcanos, mountains, of about
In church
In a grave
Under a Jesus statue
Anything to do with water buffalos
Basketball games (you know the ones that aren’t black)
Black neighborhoods
Lucky Plaza Singapore
In the States, pretty much where the black people are in order to niggerize themselves and become gangstas and get some shiny-ass blingz. They later begin calling themselves “pi-ggers” for pilipino-niggers.
As expected a number of online Filipinos who do not appreciate satire have decided to miss the point altogether and react on the Philippine article. I am not qualified to have any kind of reaction because my own acidic tastes will not permit objectivity and will equally suggest impudence. It would be interesting to know though what other Filipinos within my circle think of the site and our article.
All right, maybe it does hurt my sense of national pride a bit but only because the article holds some grains of truth. Isn’t it partly true that a boxer is becoming more celebrated than the national hero, that more people are singing Boom Tarat-Tarat than the national anthem and that we are under the rule of a half Ewok?
Read and think about it.
