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> Love's paraDoX
Author: aLmich
Are you the type who still fall stupid for love? who believes in the word? I still do. I know. I might appear to be too tough outside but I’m just being defensive I know.
I remember one of my most favorite movies- How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days. The movie, having Kate Hudson as the protagonist, tells of a story of a young woman, who writes for a magazine, in which her column concentrates on “How To’s”. The story revolved around the things that a woman must not do if she wants to keep her relationship healthy- like never be too emotional, don’t leave stuffs inside your boyfriend’s place, never mess with the “guy’s night out”, don’t ever make your boyfriend’s place look like its your own, don’t give him plants or pets and act as if its your babies, and other really funny stuffs.
Humorous or not, this movie, somehow showed me that the way I loveD [big D] is totally not right. I can tell, if I have a checklist of how many rules I have broken, really, I must have had an almost perfect score. I watched Hudson’s film way back , and since then, I try to act as if everything is cool [I’m using this due to the lack of the right word to use].
Honestly, I am trying to evaluate as of now, if that decision came out to be very useful or not. Since for a number of years now, I can tell that I can manipulate my emotions very well. Well, its not as easy as how I put it actually. Like, for instance, if I realize that I guy whom I am dating and eventually fell for, was not really serious or just fooling around; I can make myself forget relatively soon and move on. If I feel like my boyfriend’s gonna dump me soon, I’ll dump him instantly, I still cry, but I move on relatively fast. I don’t know if I’m putting this right, or I am able to communicate the essence of my experiences the way they I wanted them to be told; but somehow, I learned to not trust on the idea of love anymore. Perhaps, my highly materialist and logical nature allowed me to understand it in a biological and evolutionary perspective. With this I admit that I am being unfair to those who are falling in love. Especially if they belong to my world. I’d like to say sorry to Ron [my dear friend] because until now, I don’t like him being involved with his recent guy. I just don’t feel right. Sorry po ulit.
I just realized though that due to the lack of confidence on the utopian idea of love; my biology somehow learned to naturally adopt to pain that is usually brought forth by every relationship. Every time that I got hurt, or offended by the person that I love, the natural response of my psyche is to shut it all inside. Perhaps, another part of my personality that I’ve learned to develop is strength and competitiveness. I always try to be strong on every situation, for every problem. This attitude is not really done for the sake of novelty as if projecting that I am a superman or something; but that is just how I should be due to the nature of my role as a person in my complex human state of affairs.
Going back to pain and my natural biological response to not talk about it, the pain even how little or huge it may be, becomes a factor for my psyche to erase all hopes of a lasting relationship, and then eventually not loving the person that I used to love anymore. The effect is somehow irreversible, as maybe for some people, if they got hurt, and the other person promised to change or something like that, the feelings will return again, or for that matter, the confidence.
I guess, this has now became my standard, my natural response, an effect of my conscious effort to initially protect my self against pain; eventually has become one of my most dreaded fears. To protect the one that I love from pain, inconveniences of arguments [does make me so negative about Ron's affairs, my sister's or almost anyone near me], and the likes; eventually brings me to a state of negativity- the lack of love and the absence of hope. The price that I have to pay and the sacrifice that I have to carry everyday of my life. Someone might tell me to just use my will power to change the course of events. I wanted to tell that I can and I wanted to; but the thing is I am not yet ready to put down my armor; I’m not yet prepared to die [again].
